Indecision, Frustration, and Pride

I'm still all over the place on the having a second baby issue. I know I've blogged about this before, and I'm sure I will again, but that's because it's what's on my mind lately. Daily. Sometimes more than once daily. It's really driving me quite crazy, and I think I need to just shit or get off the pot already. In other words, do it or don't do it, but stop driving myself crazy THINKING about doing it. Or not.

I recently asked my parents for their opinions, separately. My dad had an interesting, or at least not what I expected from him, response. First, he said something about sure, why not, why should I be limited to one any more so than anyone else. Which I liked, and thought was a great response. But then I asked if he was ready/willing to help me again, because I know I'll need the physical help, and not just the agreement that I can do it. His response was something to the effect of, "Well, yeah, as long as I stay the way I am now". I asked if he was fine, and he said he was, but it kind of made me wonder if he's feeling his age more than he'll ever admit.

My mom is worried about my mental health. Since my sister was just recently diagnosed with bipolar, and my brother was diagnosed a long time ago, I think she's just waiting for the shit to hit the fan with me, mental health-wise. That said, she's the one who said if it hasn't happened yet with all I've been through/done, it's not going to happen. I reminded her that she'd said that, and she pretty much knows it's not very likely. But I don't think she can totally discount that fear. She's worried that going off Zoloft for the pregnancy may be difficult or trigger real problems. I went off Lexapro for my first pregnancy, and I'd like to give a second child the same benefit I gave the first in terms of not being on a med, but if I really needed it, I'd go back on Zoloft while pregnant, I think. And definitely after the baby was born!

Then my mom brought up that it's really hard, and also expensive. The financial piece is my biggest worry, but my dad says I don't need to worry. They have an education trust already set up for Jordyn, and I'm assuming they'd do the same for a second grandchild, so college isn't an issue. It's getting them that far that I worry about! Financially, I mean. And I realize having two young kids is no walk in the park, believe me. I just keep reminding myself that it won't be horrible forever, and if I can just get past the first year or two, it'll ease up. That said, I don't want to just trudge miserably through the first year or two; I want to enjoy that time. So I need to find a way to be able to do that, at least as much as possible, and without losing my mind with sleep deprivation, stress, and frustration.

So, in the meantime, I've been trying to take care of some things that I should've done a long time ago. Like set up a will and guardianship in the event something happens to me. A bunch of local SMCs have used an attorney that they recommended, so I contacted her, and set up a free consultation for this Friday to discuss my needs. She'll come to my house, so I need a babysitter who can take Jordyn out somewhere, namely, one or both of my parents. My dad is out of town this week, so I asked my mom if she'd babysit Jordyn on Friday so I could meet with the lawyer. The lawyer's original suggestion in terms of time was 10:00, so I asked my mom if she could take Jordyn to our music class at 9:30 and then to brunch or something afterwards. My mom asked if the time could be later... because she didn't really want to have to get up early (yes. really.). So, I arranged the time for 11:00, so she could get here around 10:30, after music class, and leave with Jordyn by 10:45. All set, or so I thought.

This morning, while I was at work, my mom texted me to ask if we could keep the time at 9:30, because she'd just been asked to play mah jongg at noon. She's been playing this game for as long as I can remember, and I eventually learned how to play too, and love it. If you're not familiar, it's not just the tile-matching version you can play on the computer; this is a complex four-person game with strategy, etc. that's popular among Jewish women (and a somewhat different version among Chinese men). She plays in one or two regular games a week, and occasionally subs in other regular games. Anyway, I told her I'd already arranged the meeting for 11:00, but could reschedule for another day. She wrote back, "Oh no!!! Should I not play???". I started to respond via text, and then decided to call. I was frustrated, because I didn't feel like she should even be asking me this. She'd made a commitment to babysit, and not just for anyone, but for her own granddaughter. And not so I could go get a mani/pedi; I'm trying to finally take care of some important stuff. I'd already changed the time with the lawyer (at my mom's request), and I really didn't want to have to try to change it back, or to a different day.

On the phone, I said she needed to decide if her priority was her granddaughter or mah jongg. She got upset and told me that I was "really hurting her right now". I said that I wasn't trying to hurt her; I was simply stating the facts - she needed to choose which she was going to do, which was basically the same as choosing her priority - keeping her original commitment of babysitting for her granddaughter, or playing mah jongg. I mean, don't we all get frustrated when any babysitter backs out on us, especially for what seems like a ridiculous reason? And this is my mom!! It just made me feel like I really can't count on her, which scares me in terms of having baby number two. She said something like, "this is my social life". I know she has a lot of stress with my siblings, and needs her social outlet, but this was one mah jongg game she would have to miss. I wasn't asking her to drop out of her regular games permanently, or even miss her regular game one time. She'd already made a commitment to babysit! I still can't figure out how she doesn't see how selfish this seemed - to back out on babysitting her only grandchild for an hour or two so she could play a game with her friends - that she'll already play at least one other day this week! In the end, I told her I'd just reschedule for a different day, asked if next Friday would work, and then switched the day with the lawyer. By then, my dad will be back in town, so even if my mom gets asked to sub in the game again, my dad should be available. But really - UGH.
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Yesterday was Jordyn's first day of a Jewish enrichment class at our temple for 2.5 to 5 year olds. It's taught by a woman named Abbe ("Abby"), and there's no cute name for the class, so it's just "Abbe's class". I was a little worried that Jordyn wasn't quite ready for it, since she just turned 2.5 last month, because this is a drop-off, kids-only, moms either leave or sit in another room and chat kind of class. It's Jordyn's first time doing that, other than her school, and I was afraid she was going to cling to me and want me to go in the room with her. But she didn't!! There's a little playroom across the hall, and we'd gotten there a little early and were in that room. Several of the other kids were in there, too, and when Abbe came to get the kids, Jordyn just went. No problem, no clinging to me, no trying to get me to go with her... I wasn't completely surprised, since she does go to school, and she's familiar enough with the temple, and familiar enough with Abbe, but I really was slightly stunned. She's growing up, and my little baby didn't "need" me when I thought she might!

Jordyn's the youngest in the class of 7 kids, but she looked like she was doing fine when I peeked in, and Abbe said she did great, so I'm very proud of her. She had a great time, came out of class an hour later full of smiles and holding an art project she'd made, and had big smiles when we saw Abbe today at the temple's Purim carnival. So, yay, now I have 9 more weeks of having an hour to read, chat with other moms, take a walk, go get my eyebrows waxed - whatever I want! And, she can re-take the class until she turns 5, as Abbe changes the curriculum for each 10 week session (which happens twice a year in fall and spring).

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My favorite "baby talk" words Jordyn still says (so many cute ones have already disappeared - so sad!) are:

too-tay = today
too-tite = tonight
too-tah-woh = tomorrow

She also calls the crust of challah bread, which isn't like regular crust but sort of flaky, "challah skin". Ha!