Anyway... I did stay all 10 days. And it did get better. There were bad points, and good points, and tough points, and happy points, and frustrating points, etc. to the trip. Basically, emotionally, it was all over the place - and I really don't think it's just because I'm pregnant!
Things with my brother were all over the map. He has better days and worse days, and there's no rhyme or reason - it's not like he's consistently getting better each day; you never know what to expect when you see him. I think that first night, the one my last post is about, was the worst I saw him. A couple of other times came close, but I do think that one was the worst. Maybe I did just adjust, maybe it really was the worst he was while I was there, I don't know. Some days I didn't see him at all, others I did for a chunk of time. And some of those times, he was much calmer, and less agitated and worked up, and made at least somewhat more sense, and was easier to deal with. At one point, he got a phone call telling him that his short term disability claim was denied. Well, right - as of then, he was completely unable to do the paperwork that needed to be done for it to be approved. And he'd missed two doctor's appointments, and the doctor couldn't fill out and send in his part of the paperwork without my brother showing up to see him first. He was told he could write a letter to appeal the decision, but he was also unable to write that letter. He tried. But it was a full page of handwritten utter nonsense. It started out something to the effect of, "Dear Appeal, It has come to my attention that I'm stuck in the middle with a fiddle and a riddle." And went on from there, some of it rhyming, some of it not, but absolutely none of it making any sense and saying what needed to be said. Which to me is proof positive that he does need to be on disability, but of course it can't be approved if he can't fill out the forms and write the letter. What a bad system! My dad wanted to get him to sign over power of attorney to him so he could do it for him, but I don't think that ever happened or will happen. I spoke to my mom today, and she said my brother did go to his doctor appointment today, and my dad was there with him. My brother's lithium level is about half of what it should be, and his doctor told him that he has to take his prescribed dose as prescribed, and not just when he thinks he needs it (in response to my brother asking if he could do it that way). Hopefully he'll actually do this and start improving. My mom also texted me tonight and said he'd come over, and was 70% better than he was, so that's a good sign. But we'll see if it lasts...
And I pretty much threw away my entire childhood last week. That's what it felt like, anyway, although it's kind of a harsh way to put it, I guess. But I went through boxes from the attic, my entire room - my closet, my dresser, stacks of shoeboxes filled with cards and notes and letters from everyone from my parents to ex-boyfriends, part of the basement, the "loft" - an open space upstairs with bookshelves, we used to have a ping pong table there, etc. There was shit in that house that I had no idea even still existed, if I remembered it ever had at all! Notecards from studying Latin in 8th grade (seriously, why the hell were those ever put in a box in the attic in the first place?!), birthday and Hanukkah cards from when I was a teenager, pretty much every letter my parents or anyone else ever wrote to me when I was at camp (and I went to camp for MANY summers), pictures from all ages of my life - even some of my parents and other family from before I was born, copies of my college applications and the admittance/rejection letters, notebooks from high school and college courses, complete with papers, tests, and quizzes in the pockets and notes in the margins to/from my friends who sat next to me... you name it, it was there. Even some of my baby and wisdom teeth in a little packet! I don't think anything that has ever been brought into that house had ever been brought back out! I basically looked through and read through everything and then threw it away. I filled up five huge outdoor garbage cans and then some. And that's just the garbage. There were bags upon bags and boxes upon boxes of stuff to donate. Stuffed animals, dolls, "chachkes" (knick knacks) of all types, jewelry, jewelry and other little decorative boxes, books, games, clothes, shoes, again - you name it, it was there!
It was one helluva long trip down memory lane. And parts of it were tough. Like, looking through an entire shoebox full of cards and letters from my serious high school boyfriend of almost 2 years. The guy I lost my virginity to (and him to me). Reading through all the stuff saying how much he loved me, and wanted to be with me forever, and would always be there for me... It's not that I missed HIM, specifically, or thought that any of that high school lovey-dovey stuff should've or could've ever actually lasted forever (although it can and does - my parents met when they were 14 and 15!)... But it made me miss just having someone to say that stuff to me now. It made me lonely, plain and simple. And of course he's married with 2 kids now. My other two serious boyfriends are also married with kid(s), so it's just me who's still alone. And that realization also made me lonely.
One really cool thing... I found a card from my grandfather who died in 2001 or 2 that he'd sent to me in 1994. I had read it but put it back in the envelope, and when I pulled it out to re-read it, there was a 100 dollar bill in it! And not only that - but the message he'd written in the card said, "Please tuck this bill safely away in your favorite hiding place and perhaps, someday, when you want to do something unusual or whatever, you can fetch it out and be on your way!". Now I don't usually believe in this type of stuff... but it was almost like he was reaching out to me from death to give me his blessing and a baby gift! And I guarantee you I didn't hide that card and money in the attic on purpose! It's a good thing I was pulling out and reading every card before throwing them away, and yes, that card is one that I saved. :)
I did save some stuff. Not much, but some. A sampling of random things that held some kind of sentimental value. And a lot of things that I wanted the memory of, but not necessarily the actual item, I took a picture of and then got rid of it. So I'll have a file of pictures on my computer called "Childhood Memories" or something, and not have to take up physical space in my house with all kinds of random stuff I really don't need. Plus, I'll need that space for my child's stuff! Some of the things I saved are things I think maybe she'll want to see someday, or could learn something from, or might find interesting. We'll see how that pans out!
My mom, sister, and I stopped by our old house - the one we lived in from when I was about 3-11, when we moved to the one they're moving out of now. We sort of know the people who bought it from us, as their two daughters were in school at the time with me and my sister. I hadn't been in that house since we moved out in 1986, so that also brought back LOTS of memories. I have a pretty terrible memory - my sister remembers everything and I remember nothing. But walking through that house, all kinds of memories from my young childhood came back to me. I could point out exactly where my mother was standing, and where I was, when her water broke with my brother, who's six years younger than me. I remembered the snake that we found in our screened-in sunroom once. I remembered a birthday party that we had in the basement (I think it was for my brother). All kinds of stuff. Just another part of the trip down memory lane!
Two days I played mah jogg with my mom and her friends. If you're not familiar, mah jongg is a Chinese tile game that has a version that's typically played by Jewish women. My mom has played ever since I can remember - the sound of the tiles clinking together is a sound right out of my childhood. I've known how to play for a bunch of years now, but haven't played regularly in a long time. My mom plays twice a week. I was home for two Mondays, and each one there was one person from her regular group who wasn't able to play, so I subbed. It was really fun, and relaxing (although I was a little worried about playing too slowly for these ladies who play so often and are pretty fast!), and just a nice time in general.
My mom had a baby shower for me, lunch at an English tea room. Her friends came to see me pregnant, touch my belly, comment on my belly, and bring me gifts. One of my friends from high school came, too, and it was great to be able to catch up. It was really nice. My other high school friend who was invited wasn't able to come, but we got together later in the week at Pan.era. It was especially fun to see her, as she's also pregnant, due on May 2nd. We brought each other gifts and traded pregnancy stories and stuff. I love how with old, long-time friends, even when you haven't seen each other in quite some time, you can just jump right back in completely comfortably like you saw each other yesterday, or at least last week. I mean, I asked E about how to go about... er... grooming... when your belly's huge... and I haven't seen her in maybe 2 years or so!
So, after 10 days of walking down memory lane, throwing away my childhood, dealing with my brother's crap, and saying goodbye to "home"... My parents and I ended the time with a glimpse into the future. On Tuesday, almost right before taking me to the airport, we went for a 3D/4D ultrasound. I'd made the appointment for the day I was leaving for the reason that it was already on the early side for doing it (I was 23w5d), but I wanted to do it with my parents, and that was the latest I could wait and still have the opportunity for my parents to be with me (that I knew of at the time - they may come up to Boston in May, but that wasn't planned yet). So I pushed it as long as I could to try to avoid the fetus looking like an alien instead of a baby. But it ended up being a really nice way to end my time there - sort of a symbolic look to the future as I finished saying goodbye to the past. Sort of cheesy, I know, but it really did feel that way.
The ultrasound was AWESOME. I highly recommend it! I almost decided not to do it, not to spend the money, but it was really, really cool. She didn't look like an alien at all. Her cheeks weren't as filled out as they will be in another month or two, but she most definitely looked like a baby. My mom said she looks like me; I think it's ridiculous to even think you could tell at this point! We saw her opening and closing her mouth, playing with her foot, turning her head to the side and back. It was all recorded on a DVD, so I can watch it anytime I want. We got some pretty good pics, too, which I'll try to post here soon. Right now, this is long enough, and it's late and I need to go to sleep. Oh, but lastly, the tech was able to confirm "girl", and she even got a pretty good (2D) gender shot, so I'm feeling much more confident in the "girl"-ness than I was before.
All in all, the trip was pretty good, and in the end, I wasn't even ready to leave.
Finding that money from your grandfather with that note - too cool! It sounds like over all the trip was better than it started out being, especially ending with a look at your little girl. :)
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