Christmas Day Musings

Oh, I am so very, very behind on blogging. I had a mental list of all the things I wanted to write about, but of course I can't think of much of it now.

I didn't have a computer for a while after it was stolen, so that's the main reason for my lack of posts. Also a lack of time, of course, due to being mom to a 4.5 month old and working.

Wait. I have a 4.5 month old?! WTF? Seriously... when people say it goes by fast, they're really not kidding! For anyone out there who's still waiting to be a mom, please know that it really, truly does go by SO INCREDIBLY FAST!!! I've been trying to figure out some way of stopping time for a while, or at least slowing it down, or how to make sure I'm making the most of it and enjoying every moment (like people are always telling me to do!), but I can't figure out how to do it. I mean, I AM enjoying it. I just can't figure out how to stop or slow down time. And I really want to! It's weird, I'm actually pretty conflicted - as much as I'm looking forward to seeing Jordyn continue to develop, and seeing who she's going to become... I also already miss the early days. It's crazy - she's *only* 4.5 months old, but yet she's *already* 4.5 months old!

When I was still pregnant, especially as I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, and in the early days right after Jordyn was born, there was this excitement, this newness to it all, this period of anticipation and surreality (is that a word?) and the figuring-it-all-out when she was first born. And now, all of that has settled down, and there's just this sense of day-to-day, "new normal", going about our business kind of thing. And you know what? I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this, but I kind of miss that time of anticipation and excitement and figuring-it-all-out. I don't know why, exactly - it's not that it was easy! I guess it's just because here I was, entering this brand-new, exciting time in my life, and now it's just how it is. La-dee-dah, just another day.

I hope that doesn't sound bad. I don't mean for it to. It's NOT that the days are boring or that I have any regrets whatsoever! Nope, not at all! I am absolutely LOVING motherhood! It's just that maternity leave is over, I'm back at work, and the initial excitement is over. But I know there's so much more excitement yet to come as I watch Jordyn continue to grow and develop and have all kinds of new experiences and adventures. I'm so excited to share that with her and to show her the world!

Speaking of the world... Oh, the world... What is it coming to?! I can't stop thinking about the families in Newtown having to celebrate Christmas today without their loved ones who were killed in the elementary school massacre so recently. I can't even begin to imagine what they're going through, and when I start to imagine it - to think about something happening to Jordyn - it physically hurts my heart and I have to stop. I'm scared - SO scared - of something happening to her. Because I know I wouldn't want to live. She is my everything. It's so amazing, the *intense* love for your child that develops so quickly.

I don't know what needs to happen to change what the world (or, at least the US) is coming to, and I most certainly don't want to talk politics... but something needs to change. I can't imagine the Newtown parents having to send their children back to school, or any parents who have kids in school these days. The Newtown situation makes me want to homeschool, something I've never, ever considered before. Not that I could; as a single mom, I have to work, of course. I just don't want to have to worry about her safety every single day, all day. And then again, considering someone broke into our house recently, during the middle of the day... you're really never safe. Nowhere, ever. And that's just a scary, scary thought. And then, of course, there are things like car accidents, cancer...

Yeah, ok, so maybe I need to make an appointment with my therapist!

There's just so much to worry about, and the Newtown thing just brought it all to the front burner, I think. And my job doesn't help - working in a pediatric emergency department. When I was pregnant, I had a mantra I said to myself over and over - "Most babies are fine. Most kids are fine." Because almost every single kid I meet has something going on - developmental delay, cancer, seizures, physical disabilities, autism, traumatic brain injury, a congenital cardiac defect... you name it. Even something as minor as a broken bone or a laceration needing sutures or appendicitis... *Every* kid has some kind of medical something or other they're dealing with. And it's scary. And school shootings are scary. And there are *way* too many of them. So, it's hard to think about sending Jordyn off to school in a few years, not that I can protect her from the world, regardless of how much I try.

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A friend of mine at work keeps wishing me "Merry Christmas" even though she knows full well I'm Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas. Isn't that kind of weird? I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I don't think I like it. Her take on it is, it IS Christmas, whether I celebrate it or not. My take on it is, yes, it is Christmas, but if you know that someone doesn't celebrate it, you should respect that and not say "Merry Christmas" to them. I have no problem whatsoever when someone wishes me a "Merry Christmas" when they don't know that I'm Jewish. But when someone *does* know? I think it's kind of wrong to still say it. I don't walk around on Hanukkah telling everyone "Happy Hanukkah". I don't walk around on my birthday telling everyone else "Happy Birthday". Right?

This same friend also said something about how she wished Jordyn would get to celebrate Christmas, have a Christmas tree, get to open presents, etc. I said, but she celebrates Hanukkah and gets presents then. Christmas just isn't our holiday. She thinks of it as an American holiday, in a way, and I explained to her that it's really based in Christian beliefs, it's just become very commercialized. But I don't like that she's sad that Jordyn doesn't "get" to celebrate Christmas. It's not like I'm denying her this fun thing everyone else gets to do - it just simply isn't our holiday. We're Jewish, and we celebrate Jewish holidays. If we were Christian, we'd celebrate Christmas, and other Christian holidays. It's that simple. I think I may need to explain my feelings to this friend, because it just doesn't feel good to me for some reason, that she keeps kind of insisting on wishing me a "Merry Christmas" when she knows it's not my holiday. What are others' feelings on this? Am I making too much of it??

On a related note, though... I don't mind working a 12-hour day and getting paid time-and-a-half on a holiday I don't even celebrate! :)

Hope everyone who DOES celebrate has/had a very Merry Christmas, and I hope everyone else enjoyed their movie and Chinese food, or whatever they did/do on the 25th!