My First Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day had the potential to be bad. Very bad indeed.

1. My mom gave me a guilt trip when she found out I wasn't planning to spend the entire day with her. She just *assumed* this was the plan without asking me what my plans were for the day. So when she found out I was planning to go to my local SMC chapter's monthly meeting in the afternoon/evening after she'd already made a dinner reservation (early, to accommodate Jordyn), she said she could cancel the reservation, but that she was disappointed. Yep, just what I wanted, a guilt trip - from my own mother, no less - on my very first Mother's Day! But, I told her it upset me, and explained that now that I'm a mother, too, it isn't all about her. And that I don't think there's anything wrong with me spending part of the day with her, and part of the day with my own daughter doing our own thing. And then it was ok.

2. My sister sent me an email about a week ago that said, "I know you are a mom now too... But you already told me that Jordyn is getting you an ipad [more on this below]... So on to our mom...". And I was *told* what the plan for brunch was, and what the new plan was when it changed. No one bothered to ask me what my preference was, or what my plans for the day were (see above), or suggested that my mom and I decide *together*. WTF, really? On my first Mother's Day? I kinda felt pushed aside, and that the whole day was still just about MY mom, and not at all about ME finally being a mom, too. I think that might sound selfish, but I don't mean for it to. It's just that it's such a big deal to me that I'm *finally* a mom, that I thought I'd be included in making the plan, consulted as to my preference, and not just told what we were doing, and expected to be available the entire day without having been asked if I had any other plans.

3. Jordyn is sick. She spiked a fever Friday afternoon/evening, but it was fairly low grade, and I thought it was just teething-related. But then yesterday, while I was at work and she was home with the sitter, it spiked to 103.7! I almost left work early, not because I didn't think the sitter could handle it, but because I just felt like Jordyn should have her mommy when she wasn't feeling well. But the sitter gave her Tylenol, and then Motrin, and then said she was doing better and was happy and playing. I was worried, though, that I was going to end up spending my first Mother's Day in the emergency department (where I work) with my own daughter. That didn't happen though. She still had a fever today, although not as high, and Tylenol and Motrin did the trick. There was a brief period in the middle of the day where the Motrin had worn off and I hadn't given her more yet (I wanted to wait and see if she actually still needed it, instead of medicating her continuously without knowing if it was still necessary), when it went back up again and she was feeling pretty crummy for a while.

4. My brother almost came home from NY for the weekend to surprise my mom for Mother's Day. While this sounds like a nice idea at face value, he was still quite manic when this was potentially going to happen, and I realized he'd very likely end up ruining my first Mother's Day. And the best part is that this would've been totally my own fault! He called me last Monday morning, and since I wasn't expecting the call, I hadn't really thought through the conversation beforehand. I reminded him that Mother's Day was coming up, and suggested that maybe he should come home for the weekend. My initial thought process was that maybe if we could get him back to Boston, we could then somehow manage to get him the help he needs. But then I realized that inviting him back to Boston for Mother's Day would mean spending a big chunk of time with him that day, and that would mean he'd likely get me very upset, considering how manic (and therefore obnoxious and really, really, really hard to deal with) he was. He didn't end up coming to Boston because he ended up back in the hospital in NY instead. Oh joy. This is now his fourth hospitalization since February. My mom said he sounds better now, though, and that he's planning to come back to Boston permanently on Tuesday (this is supposed to be a surprise, and my aunt is driving him up, so we have to act surprised when he gets here). I actually won't see him for a while, I don't think, since my mom, Jordyn, and I leave on Wednesday for Denver.

5. It was rainy. Well, at least it was this morning. It did clear up later in the afternoon, but then it was kinda warm and muggy, and I wasn't dressed right for the weather. I ended up being really hot, and holding Jordyn when she had a fever didn't help (not that I'm complaining about holding and comforting her when she had a fever, it's just that it made me hotter when I was already hot).

But you know what? My first Mother's Day *didn't* suck...

First of all, yes, that's right - my darling daughter decided that since it's my first Mother's Day, we should splurge, and so she got me an iPad for Mother's Day. Of course, her ulterior motive is that *she* wants to be able to use it someday, too, and I'm sure she'll eventually pretty much take it over, but for now, it's mine. :)

Jordyn "slept in" this morning until 7. Her usual wake-up time lately has been 6 or even earlier, so I woke up at 6:30, worried about her. I checked on her, and then tried to fall back to sleep, but couldn't. But at least I got 30 more minutes than usual, which is good, considering I worked last night and didn't go to sleep until 1.

She did have a fever when she woke up, but I gave her Motrin and a bottle and we played for a while, and she seemed to feel ok. Then we took a shower together. This was a first. She'd taken one shower before, with my mom (even after I'd asked my parents not to bathe with her, but that's a whole different post), and we've taken many baths together, but never a shower. I needed to shower, and she was sticky from sweating with the fever, so I decided to try something new. She liked it! We spent some of the time sitting on the floor of the tub, and the water was mostly falling on the other side of me, and I was blocking the rest of it from hitting her directly. It was slightly complicated trying to get my hair washed and conditioned and my face and body soaped up and rinsed off while holding her, which is why we sat down for some of it, but I managed. It was kind of an nice "mother-daughter" bonding activity... if that doesn't sound too weird!

When we first came downstairs this morning, I found a card on the coffee table that Jordyn's sitter had left for me. Yes, that's right, the very first Mother's Day card I ever received was from the sitter, of all people! But it was SO nice. It was a basic Mother's Day card, and her handwritten message said this: "Happy Mother's Day, Robyn! I truly admire you for being such a great mom, and especially for doing it all on your own. Jordyn is so lucky to have you, and I feel so fortunate to have met you both. I hope you have a great Mother's Day, you deserve it! :)". I really love this sitter, and wish she weren't leaving in a little over a month! Reading the card literally brought tears to my eyes.

Jordyn and I headed out to my parents' house for brunch, with a quick stop at the grocery store on the way. I wanted to buy my mom flowers, and I needed more Motrin for Jordyn and food to bring to the SMC meeting. We got to my parents' at 11, and I was worried they'd be annoyed that I hadn't gotten there earlier (at least my mom), but all was well. My sister arrived a few minutes later. My dad made pancakes for brunch, and we had fruit. Jordyn actually ate some blueberry pancake, which was good, because she's had a decreased appetite with this fever. I was slightly disappointed that no one had gotten me flowers - for some reason flowers seems to be the quintessential Mother's Day present in my eyes, maybe because I've always gotten them for my mom. But I did get cards, and my mom got me two shirts.

My mom showed me all the clothes she'd bought for Jordyn the other day, and we all ended up hanging out on the floor in my parents' room, for some reason. It's carpeted, and Jordyn likes to crawl around and explore in there. She was feeling good, and crawling, playing, smiling, and laughing. It was really nice spending some time with my family (sans my brother).

Then Jordyn got tired. This was the worst part of the day - I tried to put her down for a nap, and she fought me. Hard. For a whole hour. I was SO frustrated! It's so hard getting her to go to sleep! There are no blackout shades in her room at my parents' house, and there's really nowhere except the basement and the pantry where it's dark in the middle of the day. So we ended up in the pantry, white noise playing on my phone, Jordyn in her sleep sack. She fought sleep and cried for so long that I gave up. I decided maybe she was hungry, since she hasn't been eating much. I made her a bottle, and tried to get her to fall asleep sitting in the rocking chair in her room, but that didn't work, either. Out of desperation, I took her into my bed, where she continued to fight sleep until I gave her the bottle while she was lying down (something I never do!). She eventually fell asleep, and then so did I.

I didn't have long to sleep, because by the time she fell asleep, we had to leave for the SMC meeting in just under an hour. I slept for maybe 40 minutes. Jordyn was still asleep, so I tried to transfer her into her bucket car seat, but she woke up.

I've volunteered to run the "welcome circle" at the SMC meetings, which is a 30-minute welcome and orientation for first-timers before the big meeting starts. There were no first-timers at today's meeting, which was kinda nice because I was tired and worried about Jordyn. This is when the Motrin had worn off and I hadn't given her more yet, because I thought maybe the fever was over. But it came back, to around 102. I gave her Motrin before the meeting started, but it didn't kick in for a while and she was sort of cranky. By the last part of the meeting, the potluck part (since it's Mother's Day), she was feeling better, and actually ate some more solid food.

We came home, played for a while, and then did the usual bedtime routine. She fell asleep drinking her bedtime bottle (yeah, I know, it's not good for her teeth, but it's what we're doing, for now, because it works). Usually I put her down pretty quickly, and ideally just before she's fully asleep, to try to work on getting her to fall asleep in her crib. But tonight... I held her for a while. I just sat there, rocking gently, holding and cuddling my baby, and kissing her forehead and cheek. And just marveling at the whole thing. That I'm a mom. And that Jordyn is my baby... my daughter.

I thanked her today for making me a mom. And for allowing me to be *her* mom.

Yes, it seems that this sappy, stupid-ass, Hallmark holiday managed to flip a switch somewhere inside me. It became real today, nine+ months in. There was some sort of revelation that yes... it's real... it's true... I'm someone's MOM. After all these years of wanting so badly to be exactly that... I finally am.

Me and my mini-me.