In a Rut

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel kind of like I'm on a precipice and could fall into a depression at any moment. I've contemplated upping my dose of antidepressant. I'm not proud of my last few days of parenting. And that in and of itself is making me feel worse. I almost posted "Where oh where has my patience gone?!" as a status update on Facebook, but didn't. I've been snapping at Jordyn, even yelling at her at times. I feel like I need a good cry, but I while I held back tears at dinner tonight, the tears aren't coming now that Jordyn's asleep.

I think I'm lonely. For some reason, it's hitting me hard with my parents being out of town. I think I rely on them for company more than I'd like to admit (even though I just did). They left on Thursday for 12 days to go on a cruise with my uncle and a friend of his. Them being gone makes me think about when, at some point in the future, they'll really be gone, for good. And if I'm still single... I'll really be lonely. I think the fact that I feel like I recently "lost" my sister, in a sense, is playing a big role, too. While she's always been a tough cookie to get along with, and eccentric in many ways - definitely her own person - she was family. Someone I could call if I was bored. Someone I could ask for help from, even though she'd only do it on her own terms. Someone who provided some amount of free babysitting. Someone who could commiserate with me about our brother who was "lost" to mental illness a long time ago. And now she's lost to it, too. At least for the time being. And now she's talking about moving to Israel, which isn't a new idea for her, but it's been a long time since she's brought it up. Some of the things she's saying sound exactly like things my brother says - the things we used to commiserate about together.

My parents being away has put some hardships (ok, first world problems!) on me - their car is in my driveway, so I have to park further back than usual, making it more difficult to get Jordyn into and out of the car and to get the garbage cans past it to and from the street for pickup. I'm taking care of the dog, who is really my dog, but she's been living with them for over two years. I love her, and I don't mind at all having her around, but the logistics of having to walk her are tough. She's the best dog in the world, except for how freakin' much she sheds, and for being the annoying kind of dog who won't do all her business in the backyard (and we have a fairly big one!)- she absolutely demands walks! I like taking walks - a lot - but with a toddler who wants to walk, a stroller for when she doesn't, and a dog pulling on a leash, it's difficult. Add to that having to remember to bring plastic bags for poop, a snack and water for the toddler, having to get the stroller out of and back into the car each time, and the toddler wanting to hold the dog's leash but not being able to stop her from going into the street or pulling or walking the wrong way around trees and things, but not wanting help... OMG. It's hell.

In the past, my sister would have loved to help with the dog. She says she wants to this time, too, but she "can't". She says she's having some bad side effects from the meds she's on, which has led to her not being able to walk much or well. Her legs have no strength and buckle under her, among other symptoms, so she wouldn't be able to walk the dog. Personally, unless and until proven otherwise, I think it's at least partially psychosomatic (my mom agrees). In the past, my parents have parked their car in her driveway when heading to the airport (it's closer to it than mine), which doesn't effect where she parks her car, but since her girlfriend parks in that space when she stays overnight (you can't park overnight on the street in our town), she told them they couldn't leave their car there.

So, it's all on me. The car. The dog. At some point in the future when my parents are gone for good, the keeping an eye on things with my brother and sister. Being the executor of their trust or whatever. Having to handle it all. I don't want this responsibility, but there's no one else to do it. And I likely won't even have a husband to support me in all of it. Or to help me with it. I could try dating again... but who would want to date me? I'm an overweight, out of shape, almost-40-year-old mother of a toddler, with almost no clothes in my closet that both fit me AND don't have stains on them, and no real sense of style even if I did. I've gained weight lately, and hate the way I look, and hate that I have no clothes that fit... but you don't see me doing anything about it. Why? Couldn't tell you, really. I don't enjoy exercise, never did. I've tried it all - running, swimming, classes, machines, zumba, yoga... And I don't have time to do it, anyway. Don't have the money to join a gym, plus, I learned years ago that it's a total waste of money for me because I won't go after the first week or two. And I can procrastinate like a son of a bitch, so I'll just keep paying instead of canceling the damn thing. And I apparently have no self-control, which is why I apparently can't stop eating everything in sight.

The past couple of days are the first time I've thought seriously that maybe I have no business having a second baby. At one point, I thought I really shouldn't, and kind of had a sense of RELIEF at that thought. And then I got sad, because deep down, I really DO want a second child. But I kind of feel like I shouldn't have one, or couldn't handle it. I mean, if I can't manage one child and a dog on a walk, how will I ever be able to handle TWO CHILDREN? Or, is it that deep down, I know it's not the right thing for me to do? Maybe the relief was just at feeling like maybe a decision was made, regardless of what that decision was? Will this feeling pass, and I'll be back to being almost ready to start trying in a week or two or a month or two? I honestly don't know. I think if I don't have a second, I'll always regret that, but I know that if I do have a second, I'll never regret that! At least... I don't think I will!

I'm fairly certain I should be in therapy. But, I can't afford the copay plus the babysitting. And I won't ask my parents to babysit for me to go to therapy, because I don't want to tell them I'm going, and I can't lie to them. I can't go while she's in school, except for MAYBE once every other week, on the Thursdays I don't work. I think people with two bipolar siblings should automatically qualify for all-you-can-talk 100% free therapy, babysitting included.

So, yeah, I'm having a woe-is-me moment.

And, Jordyn keeps telling me that her forehead hurts and she needs medicine. I know WAY too many families with kids with brain tumors for this to not be completely freaking me out. I know it's probably nothing, she maybe has a regular old headache, if anything... but I can't get it out of my head that maybe it's something really bad. I actually had her squeeze my fingers today with both hands - part of a neuro exam to see if the strength is equal in both hands (it was). Ugh.

I also think Jordyn and I have been spending too much time together at home, with nothing to do. We had no plans yesterday until Tot Shabbat at our temple at 5:45. So we ended up home all day, and just went out to take the dog for a walk. I was craving some adult conversation or interaction, but had no one to talk to or hang out with or call. Today, I was able to find something to do, but it was kind of a bust. We joined a friend of mine and her husband and son at a model train show at a museum. We also ended up meeting the dad and two kids from a family we know there. This dad, his two kids, and me and my one kid were able to pass as a "family" and pay for one admission. He paid, and I was going to give him a few dollars (the whole thing was only $7), but they ended up leaving kind of quickly and we didn't get to say goodbye, so I never did, and then I felt bad for not splitting it with him. It was my idea, and I fully meant to actually split it, but it didn't happen, and then it was too late, and I know it's stupid because it's only a few bucks, but it just didn't feel good. Then the model train thing was in too small of a room, and it was really hot in there, and very crowded, and just not well designed. The target audience is young kids, yet they had it set up on this high platform/table thing, with a few stepladders around for the kids, but there were WAY more kids than stepladders. Jordyn also really doesn't give a shit about trains, so she was over it pretty quickly. So was I. So was the dad and his two kids who left early. We went to lunch with my friend and her family, but Jordyn basically refused to eat much, and I was frustrated and in kind of a bad mood. So yeah, not our best day.

The bright side? I'm trying to look at it!

Jordyn made me laugh at dinner tonight. I'd been holding back tears, and then she made me laugh, and we had a nice little "moment", and I gave her a big hug, and she gave me one, and it was nice.

My sister's girlfriend is going to help out with the dog on the days I work this week. There's absolutely no way I'd be able to get up early enough - and to get Jordyn up and ready early enough - to be able to walk the dog before leaving for school and work. I'll let her out in the back yard, of course, but it won't be enough to last her until we get home at 5:30-6:00. So T is going to come take her for a walk sometime in the middle of the day. She has a job where she can leave and do something like this with no problem. I don't love the idea of leaving a key for her, and having her in my house with no one else here, but I don't really have a choice, and I think it'll be fine. I'm happy for the help.

I'm going to be spending my 40th birthday at the Happiest Place on Earth! Yes, that's right, we're going to Disney World! My family has a tradition of going on a trip anytime someone has a big birthday. Well... I have one coming up next month. Instead of the usual (small) extended family with my aunts and uncle and our pseudo-cousins, this trip is going to be just my parents, Jordyn, and me. Flights and resort are booked, and now I'm working on planning the rest of it. It's a ton of work - who knew planning a trip to Disney World was SO much work?! - but it's kind of fun. It's pretty last minute, so we may not get all the dinner reservations and fast passes we want, but it'll still be a great trip, I'm sure. So I have that to look forward to.

Ok, thank you for letting me vent. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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Well, ok, after a few quick things I want to remember... :)

I love that Jordyn says "different else" instead of "something else". This is usually in reference to snacks. She almost never wants the first thing I offer her, and says she wants something "different else". Sometimes it sounds more like "diff-ring else", like a combination of different and something. So cute!

She also has been saying "zebya" instead of "zebra".

And she knows our address. Is that normal for a 2.4 year old, to be able to recite their whole address (sans zip code, although we started working on that today)?? When we're in the car, I started telling her when we were almost home, and then telling her our address. Soon, I switched to asking her what our address is, and she was able to answer me. Sometimes, though, instead of saying the whole thing, she'd just say our street number and then Massachusetts, and then sometimes add the town name after that. I had to explain that she has to say the street number AND name and THEN the town and THEN Massachusetts! But still... she pretty much has it. And today I started teaching her our zip code by singing the digits to B-I-N-G-O, which is how she's been learning how to spell.