A Potpourri Post

I've been sitting here staring at a blank page for five solid minutes.

I want to post, but don't know where to begin. I have both so many things, and nothing, in my head.

Christmas Eve my mom made dinner. It wasn't "Christmas Eve Dinner", as we're Jewish, but just dinner, since my parents had been away for almost 2 weeks and just gotten back the night before. My sister didn't come, and it was just as well. She was (is) SO manic. Honestly, I don't think anyone wanted to deal with her.

When my brother and his gf got there, they walked in, his gf said hello and the usual greetings when you first arrive somewhere, but my brother just stood there silently. Jordyn said hi to him, he kind of smiled, and then walked away. Jordyn said, "Ani (her name for him) doesn't talk?". I hesitated, and then said he would talk when he had something to say. What else could I say?! I had no idea why he didn't say hi, except that I know his brain is fried from being so manic so often for so long. The doctors have basically said he has some brain damage. I don't really get that, but it seems to be true. The brother I once had is gone. Apparently, he has trouble answering simple questions - he understands the question, but processing it and then formulating an answer and then actually speaking the answer... he just often can't do it. It's weird, and hard to explain. But so much for my mom's theory that Jordyn doesn't notice the oddities of the mentally ill!

Christmas Day we had another Jewish family over for a playdate. Last year, we went to their house, and this  year they came to ours, so maybe this will be a tradition for years to come. The family is a married heterosexual couple with two boys, ages 4 and 2. Jordyn has a huge crush on the 4 year old, who's more outgoing and social than his brother. We played in the house, and then took a walk to the school playground nearby when it stopped raining. It was unseasonably warm, but rainy in the morning. After a quick lunch, our friends left for nap time, and Jordyn took one, too, and then we just hung out at home for the afternoon/evening.

New Year's Eve my good friend K (another SMC) and her baby M came over. This is the third year in the row that K has come over for NYE, so maybe (hopefully!) that'll be another tradition for years to come. I've never been one to want to go out and party on NYE - or any other night of the year! Couch, pjs, and good company is my favorite way to welcome a new year. Oh, and the yummy chocolate dessert she brought didn't hurt either!

I think my favorite part of the night was doing the bedtime routine with our girls together. K and M didn't stay over, but they stayed late, so M slept the first part of the night in a pack and play in my room. So, we both got our girls ready for bed, and then K nursed M on the bed in our third bedroom while Jordyn and I sat in the glider (which is in that bedroom now), and we read books, and then we each put our daughter down for bed. It was so nice sharing that routine with another mom and baby. I don't know what it was, exactly, other than there were other people there. Maybe it was just that it was different from our norm. Maybe it was sharing the moment of putting our girls down and hoping they went right to sleep, and tiptoeing down the stairs together - instead of alone. I mean, it was separate, but together, you know? Two moms, but not a "couple", and two kids, but not siblings, but it was a shared experience (with another adult), and that just felt nice.

Today, New Year's Day, Jordyn and I had a lazy morning, and then walked to the school playground around 11:15. It was really cold, so we were bundled up. My mom called to see if I wanted to do something with her friend and her two adult daughters, but it ended up not working out, so my mom and I ended up doing some retail therapy while my dad babysat Jordyn. She ended up taking a three-hour nap, so he didn't have to do much!

My mom and I brought dinner back to my parents' house, and my brother was there. But he wanted to talk to my mom, so as soon as we walked in the door, he and my mom disappeared into another room. My dad, Jordyn, and I ate, and I thought it was ridiculous that my mom couldn't have sat down and eaten with us and THEN talked with my brother, especially since she'd said she was really hungry in the car.

While we were eating, my sister showed up. Oh wait, I should back up and tell you that she was discharged from the hospital yesterday. You ready for this? She went to the hospital a few days ago where she'd been discharged from on December 11th to try to get back something they'd taken from her when she was admitted, that they hadn't given back to her (reportedly a large crystal - she believes in these things - that cost about $100(!))... and they wouldn't let her leave! You can't make this stuff up. She apparently had such disorganized thinking that they sectioned her (72-hour hold). On Tuesday, the social worker called my mom and asked if she wanted them to discharge her, but with the caveat that she could stay at their house for a while so she would be supervised (at least some of the time), or have her committed. My parents agreed to have her stay at their house, but of course that hasn't happened because she refuses. Her car was at the hospital, so as soon as she got outside when she was discharged, she got in it and drove away.

But anyway, back to tonight. She came over, and I went to tell my mom that she was there, since she was still talking with my brother. My sister literally didn't stop talking from the moment she walked in the door. Literally. Stream of consciousness - and her conscious doesn't make any sense right now! She'd been out spending money on stupid, useless things (classic symptom of mania - reckless spending), and had brought "gifts" for some of us (although not me - she really has something against me right now). I didn't want Jordyn around her, hearing her spouting all this weird, useless, total crap about nothing, dead relatives, etc. But of course Jordyn only wanted to be with her, so while I kept trying to get her to come back in the kitchen and distract her with other things, she just kept wanting to go back to see my sister. Ugh! At one point, I said I was going to get her and we were going to leave, and my mom begged me not to. Seriously? I know Jordyn is the light of her life and is what's keeping her from totally losing it, but it's not fair to beg me to stay when I want to remove my daughter from the loony bin.

I'm over it. SO. OVER. IT. I honestly just want nothing to do with my sister unless and until she can get her fucking act together. She currently has NO insight into her illness. She thinks the diagnosis is wrong, that she just has ADHD, and she doesn't want to take the meds the doctors are prescribing because she doesn't think she needs them. Classic, yes, but also incredibly fucking frustrating! I don't want Jordyn around her. I have NO patience for her. Of course, my mom keeps telling me to "have some compassion, she's sick". Yeah, I know. She is. And so is my brother. I think he's depressed right now. So yeah, one of them is depressed and the other is manic. Can we maybe just meld them together into one normal human being?!

Ok, rant over.

In other news, the Disney trip is planned. We (my parents, Jordyn, and I) leave on January 17th. I'm officially going to spend my 40th birthday in The Happiest Place on Earth. I can think of no better place to be to ease the blow of leaving my 30s behind!

Oh, and a couple of days ago, Jordyn said to me, totally out of nowhere, "Mommy could have a baby in her belly", or something to that effect. I think there was this really long pause as I let that sink in, and then I said that yes, I could, and maybe I would. I asked her if she knew what would happen next, though, that the baby would come out of my belly and then we'd have a baby in the family. I asked if she would like that, and she said yes, and I asked if she would help with the baby, and she said yes again.

I'm struggling - REALLY struggling - with the decision about whether or not to try for two. It's WAY harder of a decision than deciding to become an SMC in the first place was. I mean, just re-read this post, for one thing! There are just so many issues, so many questions, so many reasons why I should, and so many reasons why I shouldn't. I need to shit or get off the pot, because being on the fence, and swaying way over to one side and then way over to the other and then back again, is really wearing on me. When I was in the thinking phase the first time (which really didn't last very long at all), the thing that stuck with me, and that really helped me decide, was some (I think anonymous) quote about not regretting things [I] did, but regretting the things [I] didn't do. Do I think I'd regret having a second? Not likely. Do I think I'd regret not having one? Probably, yes. I'd wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. But then again... There's just so much to consider, and I don't want to do it recklessly - financially, emotionally, or otherwise. So, yeah. We'll see what the new year brings!