Just Kidding

Just kidding about the potty training.

Well, sort of. I think. Maybe. I'm not really sure.

Ok, I have absolutely no fucking idea what's going on.

But I have a ton of guilt about it. Whether or not I actually should is somewhat debatable, but it's there, and I can't make it go away.

Jordyn started off with a bang over the weekend, or maybe it was beginner's luck, but it's gone downhill ever since, and now she's back in diapers. I had high hopes about my new plan for today, with incentives for both school and home - a sticker chart, a box full of trinkets that I showed her and that she really wants... alas, no dice.

It seems she's motivated to wear underwear, but still has no interest in peeing in the potty. She doesn't seem to get that one goes hand-in-hand with the other. Although, she hasn't had a problem being back in diapers today, and even asked for one at school. When I picked her up, she was wearing underwear over a diaper, but tonight she said she wanted to take the underwear off and just wear a diaper. And then she told me she had to go pee pee, and she sat on the potty not once but three separate times during the bedtime routine. Hmmm. Stalling tactic? Has she figured out how to stall already??

Back to my guilt. The only thing I can think of that would have made her backslide, the only negative experience she's had with all of this, is my frustration. I know the one thing you really aren't supposed to do is show your frustration... and I did. A lot. Is that what has her holding her pee for over 8 hours at a time now, and seeming to be almost afraid, or at least anxious about, peeing on the potty? Is she, at not quite 3 years old, already scarred by me yelling, getting frustrated, angry even, and showing it??

I don't want to yell, or get angry, or frustrated... but I can't help it. I don't know what's going on with me lately. I feel like I've been so irritable, so quick to get frustrated... I don't think it's my baseline, but I've never potty trained a kid before. Although, it's been happening even before the potty training, so I don't even think it could just be that. I've been thinking that maybe I should increase my antidepressant. Is irritability a sign of depression?? I haven't been feeling depressed otherwise. I know I'm not taking great care of myself, and that's got to be playing a role, too. Not getting enough sleep, not eating healthy enough, not exercising. I know I need to change these things, but knowing it and doing it are two different things. And I'm not happy at work - some shit has been going on there lately - so that's probably also part of it. Wow, can one person have more reasons to need therapy?? And I have't even mentioned my siblings!

Let me be clear... I have not, and will not, hurt Jordyn physically!! I just don't know where the cutoff is between a normal, every-parent-does-this amount of yelling, and beyond that. I worry that I'm beyond it at times, but I don't know if it's normal because everyone else does whatever they do behind closed doors, so there's nothing to compare myself to.

So, is it me? Is Jordyn backsliding in potty training because of me?? If she is, why am I even bothering to go through the motions to prepare for child #2 (I'm currently taking prenatals and tracking ovulation with plans to do an IUI in September)? How can I bring another child into this family if I'm already screwing my first one up so badly?!

I guess I'm in a rut. I guess maybe potty training can do that to a person. I'm in potty training hell, and I want out. Today I ordered a book called "Oh Crap! Potty Training" or something like that. Maybe it'll help.

But for now... I seriously want to know why there are lactation consultants and sleep consultants, but not potty training consultants... or better yet, a way you could send your kid off to be potty trained and come back a new child in three weeks, similar to dog training camps. Ha! (just kidding, I wouldn't really want to be away from her for that long!)