Jordyn's 3rd Birthday, Donor Siblings, Death, and Birth?

Jordyn turned three on August 7th. I have no idea how it's at all possible that I have a three-year-old, but apparently, I do. We went to NYC for her birthday weekend, not because it was her birthday, but because we had the opportunity to meet two of her donor siblings that we hadn't met before and to see one that we had. We met two of the families at a park in Somerset, NJ on Sunday for play and a picnic, and while the other family lives nearby and was supposed to come, they didn't make it. The baby (young toddler, really) had had a rough night and they were exhausted. But, Jordyn and I ended up going to their house on Staten Island after the park, before heading back to the city. It was great to meet the two new families, and to see the one we already knew. Jordyn and I also went to the Central Park Zoo, and Children's Zoo, on Saturday, and out to dinner three times, just the two of us. It was a really nice weekend. Of course, it ended with a lot of frustration on my part because my car got blocked in by cars that were double-parked for street cleaning, so we couldn't leave until an hour or two after I was planning to, but otherwise, it was great.

At the Central Park Zoo.

We had a birthday party this past Saturday in our backyard. Same deal as last year - I rented a bouncy house, delegated cake/cupcakes to my parents (along with a few other things they can get at Costco), bought a bunch of snacks, and invited way too many people. It was great! A little hot, but better than last year, when I had the party in the afternoon, when it turns out there's NO shade in our yard (I had it in the morning this year), and everyone seemed to have a great time. The theme was lemonade. Kind of random, but not really. Jordyn loves lemonade and so do I. I was looking through an Oriental Trading catalog, and saw that they had a whole lemonade birthday party theme. I showed it to Jordyn and said her party could be all about lemonade, and she was into it. Done! I bought the plates, cups, napkins, etc., a bunch of actual lemonade, and a couple other random lemon/lime things like lemon oreos and hint of lime tostitos. 

I was a little worried about presents, because I was sure she was going to get a lot of junk, and that she'd be too aware this year for me to be able to "disappear" any of it. But, she was so focused on opening everything so quickly, barely looking at each thing as she opened it, that I was able to take a bunch of things and stick them in a closet, and she never noticed a thing. Don't worry - she kept plenty of stuff. Most of what I put away were almost duplicates, variations on a theme, like she got three different brands of dress up dolls. She got the exact same kickball in two different designs (one from my parents), and I had her pick which one she wanted to keep. And I put away a Disney princess book/playset that made me want to gag (I'm fairly anti-character in general, and I hate the stereotypical princess shit for three year old girls!). 

I'd post a picture from the party, but my dad took them all and gave them to me on a stick, which my laptop for some reason won't recognize. Gotta work on that.
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My parents are out of town, and my dog who has been living with them since I was on maternity leave, Sydney, is staying at our house. The three of us went for a walk after dinner tonight, and ended up at the playground for a few minutes. At one point, Jordyn saw a dead bird on the sidewalk. She saw it before I did, or I would have tried to not let her see it. So... we had a discussion about death. I knew this was inevitable eventually - and that I'm lucky circumstances haven't forced me to have already had to do it - but I was hardly prepared to have this conversation tonight! I think it went ok. I guess. I mean, I know she was confused, but all three year olds are on this topic. I actually know a lot about how to explain death to children of various ages from my work, but that doesn't mean it's easy. We talked about it for a few minutes, and she asked a bunch of questions, like why did the bird die, was it sleeping, was it going to wake up, etc., and then she moved on and we went to the playground. On the way home a little while later, she brought it up again. I knew she must have still been processing it, so it wasn't surprising, but this time, she brought up the issue of me dying. Ugh. I told her that all people and animals die, but that most people die when they're very, very old, and that I hoped I wouldn't die for a very, very long time. She wanted a hug, but then seemed to be ok. Hopefully we can now said we've covered it, but won't have to actually experience it in any way, shape, or form for a very long time!

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And, in other news, I'm in this weird limbo combination of being on-course for starting to try for a second next month, and simultaneously doubting my decision to do so. Before the doubt crept in, I'd toyed with the idea of possibly starting this month, depending on when I ovulated, but then realized that not only would that potentially mess up our trip (if it actually worked and I was drop-dead exhausted the whole week or something), but my parents are out of the country for 2.5 weeks, and I always get nervous when they travel, so I decided it was crazy to possibly end up pregnant and then something happen to my parents. I know that's ridiculous, because something could happen to them here, too, at any time... but that's the way my brain works. I want them back in home territory before I go and get myself knocked up! Plus, I'm apparently ovulating today (TMI, sorry), on a weekend, which makes an IUI not impossible, but more of a pain in the ass (no pun intended!) than usual. And... the doubt has crept in. So there's that. 

Why the doubt? Well. It could have something to do with the fact that I brought up trying again with my parents, who had both previously been on-board with the idea, when we were having dinner together the night before they left town, and they said something about how I get stressed and lose my cool sometimes, and they're worried I'd be even more stressed and maybe it would be too much. Not exactly their words, but that's what they meant. I said something to my mom about how every parent loses their cool sometimes, and I'm sure she did, too. She said she doesn't think she did like I do. So now I'm worried I'm a shittier parent than I thought. I know I get stressed, I know I yell at times... but doesn't everyone?? This goes back to my other post about how you can't compare yourself to others because everyone only loses their shit in the privacy of their own homes. 

I did increase my antidepressant a few weeks ago, and I think it's helped. I definitely have a longer fuse than I did before. But should I have another baby? I don't know. What if it IS too much for me? I can't know until I'm doing it, right? So how do I know if I should do it?! 

Hence the doubt.