The death conversation resurfaced tonight, out of nowhere. We'd done most of the bedtime routine and were cuddling in the chair after reading books, and all of a sudden, she said it - "Mommy, I don't want you to die".
WTF am I supposed to say to that?? I really wish she didn't know anything about death yet! But I wasn't going to/couldn't lie to her last week when she saw the dead bird on the sidewalk. I thought I handled it pretty well, but now here we are.
I almost cried. I don't want her to worry about me dying! And I won't promise her I won't die anytime soon... nothing is guaranteed, and I don't want having lied to her to be her last memory of me. I explained that everyone dies eventually, all people, and all animals, but that most people don't die until they're very, very, very old. I told her that I wasn't planning to die anytime soon, and that the plan is that I won't die until she's all grown up, like me. I told her that I'm healthy, and that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I don't die for a very, very, very long time when she's all grown up.
Then she said she doesn't want Nana or Grandpa to die, either, or Sydney (the dog), or H (my sister). So I went through it all again, that I don't want them to die, either, and that they probably won't die for a very, very, very long time. Although Sydney is around 10, and Jordyn has heard me comment that she's getting old, and repeated it. And while my parents are young (mid-60s), you just never know.
It ended in a funny way. Well, as funny as anything can be in a conversation about death. Sort of funny-not-funny, I guess...
Jordyn said, "I don't want you to die for a whole week!".
And that one I did kind of promise, although without using the word "promise". I said that was a deal. Now hopefully I'm right about that!
Anything you would have said or done differently? I'm definitely up for suggestions if/when the topic comes up again...
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If anyone is interested, there's a FB group called "What Do I Say: Talking with Children", very helpful for situations like this. In fact, I'm planning to copy and paste some of this post there right now. Here's the link:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/whatdoisaykids/
I feel your pain. While Elena was in the bath last night, she asked, "where do people go when they die" I'm not religious so didn't want to say heaven but just wasn't sure what to say. But what she meant was what happened to their bodies. So I found myself explaining cremation & burials! I had to be very careful with my words though since she has had a fear about fires lately. We had 2 deaths last year in our family, one cremated, one buried so used those as examples. Our conversation ended with her telling me that she wanted to be cremated when she died & her ashes placed somewhere she loved. That did make me cry!
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of conversations about death with C. It's hard. Much harder than talking about donors. No great answers.
ReplyDeleteWe just read Lifetimes tonight. A great book talking about how all things things are born and die and have a lifetime in between. I think C really liked it. Definitely going to take more than one reading for her to process it.
ReplyDeleteRecommended by Amazon and a mental health professional!