Back to Work Soon

I have to go back to work a week from Tuesday. 

And I don't want to. Not one little bit. There's not one fiber of my being that wants to return to work.

A measly twelve-week mater.nity leave is just not even remotely long enough. 

Here's the thing... I feel like I've gotten a little taste of stay-at-home-motherhood... 

...and I LIKE IT. A lot. As it turns out, I really wanna be a stay at home mom (SAHM)! And I can't, not as an SMC. And that SUCKS. (Actually, I think I've pretty much always wanted to be a SAHM, but the thought moved to the back burner when I decided to be an SMC and knew I couldn't - but it's back).

I've been so emotional about this whole returning-to-work thing, and I really don't want to be, but I can't help it. It just feels like the "end of an era" or something. Like this really amazing, good thing is coming to an end.

Which I know is totally ridiculous, because really it's just begun... but I can't help how I feel.

I briefly considered applying for a 20-hour-a-week job at the same place where I work now. I even think I would actually really enjoy the job, not just the reduction in hours. But I couldn't afford it, considering the massive pay cut it would mean, plus a ridiculously huge jump in the cost of insurance as a part time employee from full-time (we're talking $190 more per paycheck, which is every two weeks). 

I did cut back to 30 hours a week from 36, so that means I'll work two 12-hour days and one 6-hour day each week, instead of three 12-hour days. Which feels slightly better, but not much.

I really don't even have that bad of a situation. I only work three days a week, and my parents will be doing all the child care, at least in the beginning, while Jordyn's really young. 

The worst part (other than having to work at all!) will be the logistics. My parents will take care of Jordyn at their house, not mine. And on the days I work, I'll almost always get off of work at midnight. So, instead of picking her up at 1 or almost 1 in the morning and taking her home, which would be nuts, we'll both sleep over at my parents' house. We have a room there (we share one), and they're fairly well-outfitted, with a pack n. play (I'm trying to find them a cheap yet safe crib), changing table, swing, bouncy seat, baby bathtub, etc. But I'm going to have to somehow make sure there's enough diapers, wipes, formula, clean bottles, clothes, bibs, burp cloths, sheets, etc. at both places, on a regular basis. Oy. My mom will help with the laundry at their house, but I still get the feeling I'm going to have to keep track of what's where, and that I'll be lugging things back and forth all the time (especially stuff like diapers and wipes, since I'm ordering that stuff on ama.zon prime/mom). 

I like my job; I just don't want to leave my baby. Even though I'm leaving her with my parents, I still don't want to leave her. I want to be a SAHM and I'm so frustrated that I can't! Not that I didn't already know that, but it's hitting me pretty hard right now. I keep tearing up as I look at Jordyn and think about having to leave her when I go back to work. I mean, I miss her when she's sleeping... I sure as hell don't want to have to be away from her for 14 hours at a time (and sometimes two days in a row)! And not only that, but I won't even be able to give her a hug and spend time with her when I get home from work, since she'll be sleeping. I'll have to wait til the morning when she wakes up, and then I'll be exhausted from having worked so late. Yuck. It just doesn't sound good on any level.

I really need to win the lottery so I can just quit my job...