Breastfe.eding

Ok, it's time to stop procrastinating writing this post. I just know it's going to be long and possibly make me sad, so I've been putting it off while writing about other stuff. But here goes...

I didn't think I cared about breastfe.eding (BF). I really didn't. I always figured that if I could do it, I would at least try it, but if it didn't work, no big deal - there's always formula. See, 12 years ago, I had breast redu.ction surgery, and I always knew that it may have impacted my ability to produce and/or express milk. I've known since before the surgery that BF would potentially not be an option. And I was totally fine with that.

But then I got pregnant. And then Jordyn was born. Amidst all the hype these days about "breast. is best" and seeing women breastfe.eding all over the place. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I REALLY wanted to BF. And when it ended up not really working, I was devastated. I was completely unprepared for the emotional impact it would have, because I just never thought I really cared one way or the other. So, I've had a pretty difficult time coping with BF not really working, and Jordyn being mostly formula fed at this point. It's getting better, but I still don't like it.

In the beginning... You may remember a post a while back about me being so excited when I was able to express a teeny drop of colost.rum before Jordyn was even born. That gave me hope. And in the hospital, I'm pretty sure she did get some colos.trum from me. And so I tried to BF, exclusively BF (EBF) even, in the beginning. But it turned out that she wasn't getting enough from me, and she wasn't gaining weight. Actually, she continued to lose weight after we were discharged from the hospital (down to 6lb 10oz, I think, from 7lb 7oz). I started to supplement right before we left the hospital, and did so a little bit the first few days at home. But it was so hard to tell if I actually needed to be doing that, so after our first pedia.trician appointment, I decided to "test" how BF was working, by EBF for the next 3.5 days or so until our next pedi appointment to check her weight.

And when she lost again, and when I described the ridiculous cluster feeding that had been going on, and when the doctor said it was because she was hungry... I lost it. Totally lost it. I felt like I'd been starving my daughter. She'd been crying and cluster feeding because she was hungry, and here I'd had formula sitting on the kitchen counter, but hadn't been giving it to her. It's not like we live in a third world country and I wasn't able to feed her. I was. I just hadn't been. And I can't even describe to you how horrible that felt. It still makes me feel incredibly sad to think about it now - that I didn't feed my child when she was hungry. It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

The doctor reassured me, and said Jordyn was fine, she wasn't dehydrated, and she wasn't at an unhealthy weight. But she did say I needed to start supplementing again. And believe me, I did! The second we got home, I gave her a bottle of formula, and that's what we've been doing ever since. She's mostly formula fed, but I do "supplement" with breast milk, too. I do have some milk to give her, so I usually nurse her 2-4 times/day. I've been taking both fenu.greek and domp.eridone (which is a prescription) to try to increase my supply. I think it's working, at least a little bit, but I'll never have enough to EBF. And I'm basically ok with that now, although it took some time. I still get jealous of moms who can EBF, but it's nice to be able to BF at times, especially when other moms are doing it, like at the new moms groups we've been going to, and in the mom-and-baby class we've been taking. It also helps me feel like I'm doing what's best for her as best as I can.

I also really, truly enjoy BF. I especially love bringing her into my bed in the early morning and nursing her while we cuddle and cosl.eep for a little while.  At the same time, though, I hate pumping. Really, really hate it. And so I'm not doing it. I've stopped stressing myself out trying to find time to pump when I don't even like it, and when it doesn't even amount to much. It may help my supply a little bit, but it just wasn't worth it. I've maybe pumped 4-5 times total, and not in many weeks. I may have to go back to pumping once/day when I go back to work and work my long 12-hour days just to make sure I keep what little supply I do have, but as of now, I'm not pumping at all. And I like it that way. We seem to have figured out a good balance of formula and brea.stfeeding, and it's working well for us.

One more thing... I had great lacta.tion support in the hospital and also some help after discharge. But the problem is, there's absolutely no consistency. Each lact.ation specialist, and each nurse, and each midwife, and our pedia.trician, and some of my friends, and other moms... they all tell you different things, and suggest different things, and explain things differently, and have different opinions... and you're basically left to make sense of it all and figure out what works best on your own. Because you can't possibly do what everyone says because a lot of it is mutually exclusive.