Ok, so I've hired a nanny. She's going to take care of Jordyn for two of my three work days each week, and my parents will still do the third day. I think this is going to be a positive change... but with a few negatives thrown in just for good measure.
I found J (the nanny, not Jordyn!) on sitt.ercity dot com. Jordyn and I met with her at a Pan.era a few weeks ago. She's 22, a college grad, and has previous babysitting experience. I spoke to two references (she gave me four) who both raved about her. She was willing to get certified in pediatric CP.R and first aid when I asked, and has already done so. She can be very flexible in which days she works for me each week, which is crucial since I have such a consistently inconsistent work schedule. She also doesn't mind working late, which is also crucial since I work til midnight.
When Jordyn and I met with her, I was feeling really good about her. I still am, it's just a little soured by the negatives of this whole situation. For one, my dad isn't too happy about this. He said to my mom (but not to me), "no one asked me" in regards to my hiring a nanny. When my mom told me he said this, I thought, well, that's because it's not up to him! He really likes taking care of Jordyn. And I love that he likes it. But while he's really good at some parts of it, he's not so good at others. And it's just not working for ME to have my parents as Jordyn's sole caregivers when I'm at work.
You know how I said I didn't want to see my parents almost every single day of my life? Well, I don't. But in some weird way, I've sort of become used to it. To just having their company, I think. You see, I find this single motherhood thing very lonely. For some reason, I'm WAY more lonely now than I was before I had Jordyn. I don't think that makes very much sense - or any at all, really - but there it is. I used to be totally fine staying home all day by myself, watching tv, surfing the net, doing whatever. I actually *liked* being by myself. But now, with Jordyn, I find myself wanting (needing? craving, even?) company. Other adults.
Days when we have nothing planned, when we're home all day - I get bored and lonely. This seems crazy to me, when I used to *prefer* being alone, and now I have Jordyn to keep me company. But those days seem very long for some reason. I really enjoy going out to "mommy and me" type groups. One of these days I want to write a post about all the activities we've been doing. There are new mom groups, and a music class we're currently taking, and a free drop-in play/music group, and we have playdates with some moms and babies we met in one of the new mom groups... I like to be out and about with Jordyn, and to keep busy outside of the house.
It's weird that I have more of a social life now that I have a baby than I did before, and also quite pathetic! So why do I feel so lonely sometimes? Is it just that having a baby makes me more aware of the partner that I don't have, that it would be really nice to have a partner in all this, not just for the help, but also to not feel so lonely?
So, on the days after I work and we sleep at my parents' house, if we have nothing planned, I find myself hanging around for a while at their house, and not leaving right away to come home. And I honestly feel like it's just because I have company there, other adults to talk to and interact with, when at home it's just me and Jordyn... and I get lonely. I really wish I didn't feel lonely when I hang out alone with Jordyn, because I don't like it. I mean, why isn't she enough to stave off the loneliness? I love her to pieces!!
But loneliness aside, I don't like having to sleep over at my parents' house three nights a week. It's hard, constantly going back and forth. And I hate that my dad and I are on SUCH different pages when it comes to Jordyn. I'd rather feel like Jordyn and I have our own life together, a little more separate from my parents - that we're a family in our own right, and not just an extension of MY immediate family. I want very much to maintain a close relationship with my parents, and I want very much to see them pretty often, and spend quality time with them. I just want to have more of a say in how and when that happens, and not see them so much just out of necessity. I hope that makes sense.
So, anyway, today J (the nanny... remember? that was the original point of this post!) came over for a little orientation. And for her and Jordyn to start getting to know each other. It went pretty well, except Jordyn's moods were all over the place, and she actually seemed to have a little separation anxiety! This was new. J would hold her, and she'd cry and look at me and sort of reach out to me. I guess not very many new people hold her, as she's always with either me or at least one of my parents (my sister babysat her one night, but Jordyn knows her pretty well, too). In a weird way, it kind of made me secretly just a little happy to see that Jordyn wanted me, because this was really the first time she's shown a preference for me over someone else. She knows my parents so well that she doesn't really reach for me if one of them is holding her. Finally, after years of seeing other babies reach for their parents and being jealous of that, *my* baby is reaching for *me*!! I love that. Except that I don't.
I want Jordyn to like J, and to feel comfortable with her. I want to feel comfortable leaving Jordyn with her, not in the sense of Jordyn being safe, because I'm not worried about that (well, any more than normal!), but that she knows and likes the person she's with when I'm not around. I don't want to have to worry that Jordyn's going to cry and be miserable when I leave - I want her to be happy to be with J. I know this is just a question of time, which is why J was here for 7 hours today when I was here the whole time (and also so she could see the bedtime routine in person), and why I have her coming back on two other days (not for as long, probably) before I leave her alone with Jordyn when I go to work. I may leave for short periods while she's here on those days, but not for too long, and I'll be close by just in case.
I really hope Jordyn decides she likes J and I start to feel more confident in leaving them together. I think it'll be good to see how Jordyn does next time J comes over. She's going to come earlier in the day next time, when Jordyn is generally in a better mood. She got tired this afternoon/evening, and therefore cranky. But then at one point I put her in her jumper thingy, and she was smiling and giggling up a storm, and she'd been awake for four hours!
By the way, she's been sleeping 10-11 hours the past three nights, and the longest it's taken to get her to fall asleep - in her crib, being soothed but without being picked up and held - has been 14 minutes, and that was with my dad. Tonight, with me, it took 10 minutes. I'm SO GLAD we're back on track!
I definitely feel lonelier since having a baby, despite spending far more time with other adults now than I used to (mommy & me groups, etc). I don't like to admit it, but it's the truth.
ReplyDeleteI think the loneliness stems from the lack of freedom sometimes. Before having a baby, if I was bored or lonely I would just go hang out at a coffee shop or something (it is quite common to strike up conversations with total strangers in my city). However, now I'm stuck at home if he is already asleep. I've also noticed I'm much quieter when I'm around a group of my friends.
ReplyDeleteIsaac has also had mild separation anxiety lately, I think they are just in that age/developmental milestone.
Yay for some good sleep :)
ReplyDeleteI only speak from having watched two of my nieces two years ago when their parents went away for a wedding. It was when I still lived in my own house, separate from my parents. I was so psyched to get to have the little girls to myself and "practice" being alone with littles for three nights/four days.
Until I was bringing them over to my parents every day during the day. It wasn't so they could be the sole caretakers, but I think more that I could "share" everything they were doing--cause they're cute and fun. Instead of recapping everything that they did (the girls) to someone else.
And maybe that's because we don't/won't have someone else as vested in our child's lives (spouse/partner/significant other). No one to have right there watching alongside of us or to tell what they did everday. So maybe not so much lonely, as wanting to share this beautiful life. And maybe a bit of having someone else there who, while not being sole caretaker, is helping out somewhat just by being there with us?
That's just from my extended babysitting the nieces experience ;)
Finn loves his nanny, but he frequently cries hysterically when I leave. And for a while, when she would come in, he'd come running to me and hold on to me for dear life. It's not that he doesn't enjoy being with her, it's just that he'd rather have me stay, too.
ReplyDeleteSo what I'm saying is - if Jordyn cries or asks sad when J takes her, don't take it as a sign that she doesn't like J!
I agree with Shannon! Oh, and btw, the separation got much worse in the second year of life compared to the first. I was a little surprised by that. I figured by the time she was a year and a half (almost), she'd understand the whole Mommy-Always-Comes-Back thing. Well, she does exactly what Shannon described, clings and cries when the nanny arrives, wants to be on my hip the entire time I am getting ready to leave. However, at the moment that I am finally leaving... she's fine. Not thrilled, but fine. And always seems happy when I come home. Sometimes desperate to nurse (which I would rather avoid) to reconnect but otherwise happy. So that's how I know not to worry.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel lonely but I was definitely sad to leave my mom's because it was really nice to have someone to share Calliope with.
Keep in mind that -- gasp! -- young infants aren't the best company. So don't worry, your current state may very well change. The more they become "real people," the better company they are.
I think it's really great that you hired a nanny and won't be staying at your parents' so much... I think in the long run you will feel less lonely, not more so, to have your own life and these boundaries set up.
So happy to hear that sleep is going so well!