Breastfeeding Blues

I really want to make it to one year, which is one month from today (!!!).

But it's really very ridiculous.

I have no supply. I mean, if I'm being completely honest, I maybe get an eighth to a quarter of an ounce? Maybe? I actually think a quarter is pushing it. And that's with either pumping or hand expressing, although I think I may even get more with hand expression than I do with pumping.

As you may remember, I've never had good supply, from the very beginning. Jordyn's been 99.9% formula fed the whole time, with a little bit of nursing thrown in for good measure. Partly because I enjoy it, partly for comfort, and partly because I want her to have as much breast milk as I can possibly give her.

I used to get more milk than I do now. It's dwindled down to nothing, though. I used to be so good about taking domperidone and fenugreek, but I've gotten sidetracked and fell of the wagon with that. And the last time I filled my domperidone prescription, the compounding pharmacy where I'd been getting it said I wouldn't be able to get it there anymore, as they would no longer have it in stock. I don't know if there's anywhere else locally to get it, and I only have one refill remaining anyway. Plus, I haven't been taking it, so I still have about a month's supply. I started taking it again tonight, so we'll see if I can keep remembering to take it until it's gone. I don't know if it'll even be effective at this point, but I figure it's worth a try.

 I almost gave up a couple of months ago, when Jordyn somehow managed not to bite me, but I think to scrape the side of my nipple/part of my areola with her teeth enough to cause an abrasion. It was absolute *agony* every time she latched on that side for a while. I mean, I'd catch my breathe every time, and the pain didn't go away once she was latched on. It hurt the whole time. I was putting bacitracin and a bandaid on a couple of times a day, but it took forever for it to heal because she kept nursing and preventing it from really healing over. And the bandaids were making my skin all red and rashy, so I switched to tegaderm (which I got from work - ssshhhh! - it's the clear, square tape that goes over an IV site, among other things), but then that started to make my skin red, too. I have very sensitive skin, as does Jordyn.

Jordyn's not even so interested in breastfeeding anymore, at least, not most of the time. I always bring her into my bed in the morning to cuddle and nurse. It's such a nice way to start the day. When she was really little, she'd usually fall back to sleep nursing, and then so would I. But she started to do that less and less over time, and now she never falls back to sleep. And she doesn't have the patience to nurse much in the morning anymore, because she's got better things to do! She wants to get up, out of bed, and play and interact with the world! Plus, I think she doesn't want to have to work so hard for very, very little milk, when she knows we'll go downstairs in a few minutes and she'll have a whole bottle of milk that flows so easily!

But then, as soon as I think maybe I should just give up, she does something like this: She was sitting on the changing table the other day, and I was in just a bra (and underwear), since we'd just gotten out of the shower. She kind of touched and pushed at my bra, and looked at my chest, and I asked her if she wanted some mamamilk (our word for breast milk). She gave her usual answer for "yes" - made eye contact, smiled, vocalized a little, and seemed excited. So, I sat down in the glider, and she happily latched on and nursed on both sides. I don't even think she was particularly hungry at the time. She's done something like this one or two other times recently, too.

When I'm at work I pump or hand express. There's something so incredibly satisfying about seeing and hearing the milk hit the side of the bottle. But then I get dejected when I get so little milk. Every single time, even though I know full well my supply is as low as it is.

I hate change, and I hate missing my little baby, even though I absolutely love seeing and experiencing jordyn growing up. So, it's just hard to give it up, even though it's time.

But I think I'll try to make it one more month.