On the Other Hand... and Thanksgiving

Well, I'm not pregnant. I'm not at all sure what I was thinking when I wrote the last post, especially considering what happened last month - pregnancy symptoms developed and then faded away, and then I got my period. Not pregnant then, and not pregnant now. I haven't gotten my period yet, but I'm not really due til Monday or Tuesday. But I didn't even POAS today, so I clearly have no hope left.

I *am* still 100% positive that I *was* actually pregnant when I wrote the last post, though. Those symptoms were absolutely, positively NOT just in my head. I think it was just a repeat of last month - an early chemical pregnancy (self-diagnosed, but I couldn't be more sure). The symptoms were a little stronger this time, and I think they lasted a little longer, which I guess is why I thought it was going to last.

I'm concerned that I have bad (read: old) eggs, and that a second pregnancy isn't in the cards for me. At least not with Jordyn's donor. I only have three vials left, and I have to do six unsuccessful IUIs before insurance will cover IVF. I know I'm really lucky that I even have insurance coverage - it's the law in Massachusetts - but if you do the math, I can't get to IVF with Jordyn's donor. Well, unless I do something crazy like purposely mis-timed IUIs with a different donor, in order to keep a vial or two of Jordyn's for IVF... But my body clearly knows how to get pregnant - I mean, not-quite-right timing this cycle be damned, I was pregnant for a few days! - so what if I *think* I'm mis-timing IUIs, but I end up getting pregnant with the "wrong" donor?? I guess that's not the worst thing in the world, but I feel very, very strongly about my kids having the same donor. I think I *may* be able to get more vials of Jordyn's donor, but it would cost an absolute fortune - $1500 fee for bringing the guy out of retirement (to be clear, this has already happened because another family did this over a year ago, and I think there just may be a few vials left, but I'd have to pay the fee to be able to buy them - totally ridiculous!), plus the cost of vials and shipping. Ugh. But it may be worth it, I guess.

I'm also concerned that it could be something other than (or in addition to) bad/old eggs. What if it's a lining issue? A progesterone issue? Something else? I think I'm going to make an appointment with the RE I had a consult with before getting pregnant with Jordyn, if I can swing it. I have an HMO, and my current PCP will only approve referrals to specialists within her hospital network, and I'm pretty sure this RE isn't. I'm going to ask, though, since I've seen her in the past and really want to go back to the same one. A lot of local SMCs use her, and she's very SMC-friendly. Plus, I liked her the one time I saw her before.

I'd like to start taking some supplements like CoQ10, DHEA, royal jelly... things I've read about on the SMC forum and other online sites. But, I'm kind of hesitant to do it without some sort of guidance about what exactly to take, like which brands are good and how much to take, etc. And I'm wondering if I should skip a cycle to make sure my lining is where it should be after two chemical pregnancies (if they even affect lining - I have no idea). What I feel like I've learned from these past two cycles is that my timing is right, and also that at least for me, the timing doesn't have to be *exact* - the sperm and the egg clearly connected even though I had the IUI on the early side this month.

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I was so sure I was going to get a positive when I POAS on Thanksgiving morning. I was all excited to tell my mom, and then the rest of my family, on Thanksgiving day, just as I did when I was pregnant with Jordyn. It was going to be such a great story to tell someday... But, alas. Negatives with two different brands. It didn't completely ruin my Thanksgiving, because it was only day 9 post IUI, and I knew it may have been a little early.

What did ruin my Thanksgiving was I felt like complete and utter crap. This cold is kicking my ass. I think it may actually be bronchitis and I may need an antibiotic at this point, but I haven't gone to the doctor yet. On Thanksgiving, I hadn't slept well the two nights before, so I was just totally wiped. No sleep, and sick. And I didn't want to take anything, because I still thought I might be pregnant at that point. I pretty much lazed around all day at my parents' house, not doing much and not being much of a help, because I had zero energy, and couldn't stop coughing (I don't think anyone wanted me near the food, anyway!).

I did pretty much the same thing on Friday and Saturday. I felt slightly better on those days, but not by much. I got better sleep because I took unisom or benadryl, and on Saturday I gave up on potentially being pregnant and started taking mucinex DM. As soon as I get my period, I'll start taking sudafed, if I still need it. The good thing is that Jordyn spent the night at my parents' house Wednesday through Saturday nights. That way, I was able to stay a little later and hang out with everyone (two aunts and an uncle were in from out of town, also staying at my parents' house) than I would have been able to if Jordyn were sleeping at our house. Not that I felt like being up late myself, but at least I was able to watch a movie with everyone before heading home. And then I could sleep in (well, a little bit!) to rest up and try to get over this cold or whatever it is. I also felt more comfortable taking an antihistamine - I'm usually hesitant to take anything that knocks me out, because I want to be able to wake up if there's an emergency or even if she just has a bad dream or something.

On Friday, I told my mom the reason I hadn't wanted to take anything - that I was possibly pregnant. I was really happy at her reaction - she got excited and gave me a big hug! My parents sorta kinda knew I was trying, or rather, they knew I wanted to have a second - I don't know if they knew I was actively trying. But I wasn't completely clear on how they felt about it, so it was nice to see that my mom was happy about it. I had to remind her that I didn't know yet, but then eventually my symptoms were pretty much totally gone (except for the exhaustion, but I'm now blaming the cold/congestion entirely for that), and I told her I most likely wasn't pregnant. She told me not to give up hope.

Other than feeling like shit, it was a nice weekend spending time with family. Jordyn had a ball playing with everyone, and my aunt I was her "roommate" for a few nights once everyone was there. We pulled the trundle out from under Jordyn's bed, and they shared her room, and it seemed to work quite well. It was absolutely *wonderful* to have so much help with Jordyn - not just with the sleepovers, but during the day, as well - since she's the only kid and everyone wanted to play with her. It was great! I was able to rest (not that it did much good - I'm still sick) and not have to be "on" the whole time.

On Friday, the weather was unseasonably warm, and everyone except my mom (she's sick, too) and I went for a two-hour walk/hike in the woods. Jordyn got carried some of the time, but she enjoyed it, and then some people went swimming (indoor pool) when they got back. Jordyn was totally worn-out after that! Saturday was rainy and cooler, so we just hung out in the house all day, watching movies and playing Apples to Apples. Jordyn never changed out of her pajamas, and even went with my dad and aunt to pick up Chinese food for dinner in them! Today my brother and his girlfriend had a housewarming party for both of their families, so we were at their house for a few hours in the afternoon. Then Jordyn and I came home, watched "Finding Nemo", ate dinner, and she went to bed early - she hasn't napped in three days!

Last Tuesday, Jordyn refused to take a bath, and she really needed one. I finally figured out it was because she didn't want the bandaid (that she didn't at all need) to come off her knee. I finally took off her clothes and pulled off the bandaid, but she still refused to get in the bath. I eventually picked her up and stuck her in the tub, where she refused to sit down - she stood up and screamed bloody murder the whole time while I washed her hair and body. I'd put the letters and numbers in the tub to try to distract her, but she ignored them. I ended up using them to spell "threenager" (creatively) on the wall, and then snapped a picture, trying desperately not to laugh! I cropped it and submitted it to Ellen Degeneres' show (in the "Why I Don't Have Kids" category!), so if you ever see it on there, you'll know where it came from! 

Ah, but there's my adorable child later the very same day playing with the giant teddy bears at TJ Maxx! 

You would never know she'd had such a tantrum about bath time that morning, or another one shortly thereafter about wanting to wear a different outfit than she one she'd just readily put on, would you?!