Struggling

I'll be 34 weeks tomorrow, and I'm really struggling right now.

The main issue is exhaustion. Mind-numbing, paralyzing exhaustion.

There are three compounding issues, I think, which are each exhausting in and of themselves. One is just that I'm 34 weeks pregnant, plain and simple. Two is that I'm working full-time, with three 12-hour work days each week, ending at midnight. And three is that I don't sleep anymore. Like, at all. I'll wake up 3 times in 7 hours to pee. And/or I can't fall asleep because I'm so stressed about everything that needs to get done, but isn't getting done because all I do on my days off anymore is recuperate from my days on! Or, I'll finally fall back to sleep at 7:30am after being awake since 6, only to be woken up by garbage trucks and construction two houses down at 8. It's really ridiculous how often I'm waking up to pee. And I know that a possible solution is to not drink for 2-3 hours before I go to sleep. But how can I not drink when I'm working, on my feet, talking to people, sweating, in an emergency department until 45 minutes before I get in bed?! That not drinking right before bedtime thing might work for people who are sitting on the couch for that time period, but it really doesn't work for me with my crazy work schedule.

I worked two 12-hour days in a row (not an uncommon occurance) on Thursday and Friday. It was miserable just trying to get through the days. I then proceeded to spend all day Saturday on the couch. ALL. DAY. In my pajamas. I finally changed out of my pj's around 6pm to walk the dog around the block, and remembered when I went into my room to change that I absolutely desperately had to do laundry, so I finally did two loads of laundry starting around 7pm - only out of pure desperation! My head was in a fog all day. It was like my brain just wouldn't "boot up" and be at all functional. But all day, I just kept thinking, "I can't believe I'm getting nothing accomplished today. I really needed to get x, y, and z done today. Ok, in half an hour I'm getting up and at least doing x...". So, it wasn't really so restful/relaxing, because I was beating myself up all day about not doing anything. But even all that beating myself up wasn't enough to get my body to physically be able to move and do anything! And I kept trying to nap, thinking that might help, but I couldn't sleep. Go figure.

I was back to work on Sunday, and drove home in tears, which hasn't happened for a long time - not since the first trimester when I was so sick, I don't think. This time, it was purely out of exhaustion. And I think at some point it hit me that I really just can't go on like this. Working such long days, not sleeping, and trying to get through my to-do list (unsuccessfully, which just stresses me out). I got home, got in bed... and proceeded to lie there, crying, stressing over all of this and what to do about it. And NOT sleeping.

Monday I cried all day. Let's face it - exhaustion and hormones do NOT mix well! I was already fighting back the tears when my mom called in the late morning. She asked me how I was feeling, and the dam burst. She told me "it's time", that I need to cut back on my work hours and get more rest, and how it's not good for me and the baby, our health has to come first... And she's right. I know she's right.

I had lunch plans with two good friends at one of their houses. I promised myself that I was NOT going to cry and ruin our catch-up lunch... HA. I literally didn't even make it in the house! My other friend pulled up right behind me, so as we were getting out of our cars, she asked me how I was, and the dam burst. Yep, again! So there I was, standing on the sidewalk in front of my friend's house, bawling on my other friend's shoulder. Oh, what fun! So then I cried it out to them, and while they're amazing friends, and so supportive, and tried so hard... they just don't (and can't) completely get it. Because they have husbands, and their parents have always lived locally and were here to help them. Oh yeah, and neither of them works full time (anymore). They just don't get this whole doing it - all of it - on your own thing. But, they too encouraged me to cut back on my hours at work for the rest of the pregnancy.

Oh yeah, and then after lunch I had a therapy appointment. Yep, you guessed it - cue the crying! And yet again, my therapist agreed that I need to cut back my work hours. She made the analogy of my head being under water, and that at the minimum, I need the water level to be down to below my chin. And, yes, she's right. Of course she's right.

So I got nothing accomplished yesterday, because I was too busy crying, and I was too exhausted to think straight. Oh, I did talk to an electrician on the phone and get an estimate for installing light switches in the basement. Does that count? Ok, maybe slightly.

I have a prenatal appointment tomorrow, and I'm going to ask my midwife if there's anything she can do to help me with cutting back on work hours. I'm not going to lie to her, or ask her to lie for me, but I'm wondering at what point exhaustion and emotional misery "count" in terms of being a medical reason to cut back. I mean, this can't be healthy for me or the baby, to be SO tired and SO emotional and SO stressed all the time. I need more rest, and I also need to be less stressed, which for me means I need to be working through my to-do list. The way my screwy brain works, I need to feel at least somewhat prepared and ready for my daughter to come into the world. And I don't feel like that AT ALL right now. While I know that not everything on my to-do list HAS to be done RIGHT NOW, whatever doesn't get done will just sit on the list long-term and stress me out. I need to be able to cross things off the list and feel like I've accomplished things - that's what reduces my stress. At least right now that's how it is. I mean, if I'm supposed to "sleep when the baby sleeps", exactly WHEN am I supposed to be getting anything accomplished after the baby is here?! Not to mention that then I'll have baby laundry to do, and all the other things that you have to do once the baby is actually here. So, for me, I need to get these things done NOW, before the baby comes, so I can feel more organized and ready and be less stressed about things that need to get done. So when people keep telling me not to worry, that the baby doesn't need much, etc., it really doesn't help, because my brain doesn't work that way. My brain wants me to be R.E.A.D.Y., and that means having things crossed off the list (not that I think that every.single.little.thing will be perfectly organized and complete before the baby comes, but I need to be much more ready than I am right now!).

And if I could reduce my stress - oh, and maybe actually get some SLEEP - I might be able to actually ENJOY THIS. Everyone keeps saying, "oh you must be so excited!" and asking me if I'm excited... and I fake it when I say yes... because I'm not. Because I can't even focus on what's about to happen, other than to be stressed out about not being ready for it to happen!

So, I made an appointment today to meet with the director of my department on Thursday. I'm going to explain what's going on (hopefully without crying), and ask for her support in reducing my hours for the duration of my pregnancy. She'll probably be fine with it - I mean, it really just involves me using vacation time, which I have, and then I'll just get paid less during my maternity leave. I don't want to cut my leave short, but I can choose to use less vacation time and just take some of it unpaid. I'm hoping I can cut my 12-hour days down to 8-hour days, meaning I'd use 12 hours/week of vacation time. The thing is, I then have to get the approval from the nurse manager of my unit, which may be a little harder. But honestly? She's not hiring anyone to cover me while I'm on leave (one of my colleagues is picking up 6 of my hours, but the other 30 will be uncovered), so if she's ok with being down 30 hours/week for 12 weeks, then she should be ok being down 12 hours/week for 6 weeks... right?! I just hope cutting back hours won't turn out to be more complicated or involved than getting the ok from my director and nurse manager.

I just want to be enjoying this a little more. I want to be excited about finally meeting my daughter, about embarking on motherhood, about this HUGE thing that's about to happen and that will change my life forever. So, I think it's worth cutting back my hours and trying to get more rest, while simultaneously working on my to-do list to help cut back my stress.