But, thankfully, that wasn't the case, and I was able to make it work to cut back on my hours now. It's affecting me financially, as I won't have as much vacation time to use to get paid during my maternity leave, as I'm having to use a big chunk of vacation time now, but I decided it's worth it. If there's ever a time to use a bunch of vacation time, and temporarily have to cut back on pay, it's now.
Remember back when I said I was going to talk to my midwife about whether or not she would be able to help me cut back on hours? Well... here's how that went down...
I'd peed in a cup, the nurse had weighed me and taken my blood pressure, and I was alone in the room with the door closed waiting for the midwife to come in. I was so totally exhausted and drained from having cried all day Monday and at least once on Tuesday (it was now Wednesday), that I lay down on the table and closed my eyes. I didn't fall asleep, but when the midwife knocked and came in and saw that I was struggling to sit up, she made a comment like, "yeah, sleep while you can!"...
... And I started to cry. That was the theme of the week before last, anyway, apparently - crying at the drop of a hat. So there I went again. And so we had a whole conversation about how horribly and how little I'd been sleeping, and how it was affecting my ability to function, plus my stress level and trying to get so much done, and how I was a total miserable mess...
She suggested I take amb.ien to help reset my sleep cycle. I didn't want to do that, and asked about mela.tonin instead, which she said I could take, but that from what I was describing, she didn't think it would be enough. I finally agreed to try unis.om - I feel better about that because 1) it's over-the-counter and 2) I've already taken it in this pregnancy, in the first trimester, because supposedly it helps with nausea (when combined with vitamin B6). I don't think it really did much for my nausea, but it has helped me sleep. I've actually only taken it maybe 2-3 times, but I think it did help to "reset" my sleep cycle, because my sleep has gotten much better in the past week-and-a-half or so.
Which means I'm doing better overall. Yay!
I think part of the problem was that simply due to how my work schedule fell, I went almost 2 full weeks without 2 days off in a row (and this while I wasn't sleeping). That SUCKED. But then when I finally did have 2 days off in a row, I went with my friend K to her parents' house on the beach, and we relaxed, walked on the beach with our dogs, chatted, and just got away from it all. And it was AWESOME (thank you, K!!!).
And now, simply due to how my work schedule fell, I'm currently on day 4 of being off in a row. I love it when that happens! And now, even though I'm back to work tomorrow, it's only an 8-hour shift. I can't even tell you how amazing it feels to know that I don't have to work another 12-hour shift for at least FOUR MONTHS!! It's doing amazing things for my stress level just to know that.
Oh, so the other thing my midwife said was that from what I was describing, I could also have depression (as opposed to just sleep issues in and of themselves, I guess). I hadn't thought of that, and REALLY didn't want it to be that. And honestly? It didn't feel like depression. I've been there, and it wasn't the same. It just didn't feel pervasive enough. Like, when I was at the beach, I didn't feel down at all. It really just felt like a connection between lack of sleep and overall functioning, and that if I could just sleep, I'd be a whole different person emotionally. And that does seem to be what happened...
But anyway, when I faxed the form from work to my midwife to get documentation that she wanted me to cut back on my hours, she answered the question about why it was necessary like this: "unable to sleep due to work hours + pregnancy, anxiety, adjustment disorder".
My initial thought was, "wait, what? adjustment disorder? WTF?". She had never used that term with me in our conversation, so I'm still not sure if she actually thinks that diagnosis fits, or if she just used it to get my hour-reduction approved (she'd asked me on the phone what I wanted her to put on the form, and I said I didn't know, I didn't want her to lie, but just whatever she felt was appropriate and that would "work" to get the reduction approved). But then I goog.led "adjustment disorder" and read the Ma.yo Clinic's page about it, and you know what? I don't know if my midwife thinks I actually have adjustment disorder, but *I* certainly do! It really fits - the anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, crying spells, trouble sleeping, etc... And for that matter, I'm pretty sure my dad has it, too (with a different stressor). It's a pretty benign, short-term diagnosis - basically when you have trouble coping with a major life stressor, but then once it passes/happens and you adjust to it, you're fine. And for whatever reason, I'm much more "ok" with that diagnosis than depression.
And, as it turns out, I never even had to submit that form to anyone at work, so no one will ever even see that she'd put that on there, regardless of whether or not it's accurate (not that it would be a big deal if they did).
My therapist and I had a whole discussion about sleep issues and "sleep hygiene" (why I really just don't like that term I have no idea), and she helped me come up with some more tools for the toolbox in terms of helping my sleep. I downloaded a couple of apps, and some soft, soothing instrumental music (which I'd been wanting to do for labor anyway), and I've been using that the past couple of nights. It helps me get out of my own head and gives me something else to focus on so I can fall asleep easier. I do think it's helped!
What is sleep hygiene? I got this mental picture of a cartoon bed brushing it's teeth when I read that. So glad that you were able to get a reduced work schedule and that your sleep cycle has reset.
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