What a Week It's Been!

Here's my facebook post from much earlier today:

Dear Jordyn,

It's now 4:45am. You, no WE, have been up since 2:25. I've tried all the usual tricks and then some. We even drove around in the car from 4-4:30. This is the third night this week we've played this game. Please, for the love of G-d, GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.
love,
Mommy

Yes, that's right - unfortunately, Monday night was not a one-time thing. She was up for three hours straight Tuesday night. The same exact thing - not cranky, not crying, not seeming to be hungry, or in pain, just awake. And absolutely NOTHING worked to get her to sleep. I had much less reserve, or frustration tolerance, or whatever you want to call it, and I gave her benadryl at 1:30am. But at 3:00, she was STILL awake. I put her in the car and drove around aimlessly. She fell asleep within about 6 minutes, but I sat idling in the driveway for a few minutes to make sure she was good and asleep before I tried to transfer her to her crib. I heard her shift around a few times, but she was totally quiet, and I thought she was just shifting in her seat in her sleep.

But no. When I went to get her out, she was wide awake. I know she'd been asleep, but she'd woken back up as we sat there. So back into the driver's seat I went, and we drove around again. This time I kept the car moving longer after she fell asleep, and it stuck. I got her transferred into her crib around 3:30 or 3:35, and then finally got a few hours of sleep myself. It took me a while to fall asleep, though, because I was so frustrated and overtired.

Wednesday morning I spoke to my mom, and cried when relaying what was going on with Jordyn's sleep. That day, the two of us went shopping and to lunch, and my dad babysat Jordyn. It was nice to have a break (and some retail therapy!), even though I was completely exhausted. My mom suggested that Jordyn and I sleep at their house that night, and that she and my dad would take the night shift, with whatever it may bring. I'm usually not good at accepting help, but she didn't have to ask twice! My dad suggested I leave Jordyn with them and sleep at my house, but I'm not ready to do that yet. I wouldn't have seen her all day, either, since I worked 12 hours that day. So I slept in the guest room, and while I heard her cry when she woke up, she stopped crying as soon as my dad picked her up, and I was able to go back to sleep. She was up for an hour with my dad in the middle of Wednesday night.

Thursday night we were again at my parents' house, because they had Jordyn while I worked that day, so we would've been there anyway. My dad offered to get up with her again, and he did, but she only woke up for five minutes, one time. Ok, no biggie. So I figured maybe we're on the downhill and she'll be back to sleeping through the night soon.

Friday night that theory held true. We were at my parents' for Shabbat dinner Friday night, and I purposely waited until Jordyn was good and ready for bed before we left. I also put her in pajamas and gave her her bedtime bottle before leaving - my "evil plan" being that she would hopefully fall asleep in the car on the way home, I'd transfer her into her crib, and she'd sleep all night long. Well, my plan almost worked... She did fall asleep, she did transfer fine, but she woke up at 4am. Like the night before, though, it was only a quick wake up for about five minutes. She put her head on my shoulder as soon as I picked her up and went back to sleep.

So now I'm thinking we're really on a good roll. So far, her wake ups have looked like this:

Monday: 4 hours
Tuesday: 3 hours
Wednesday: 1 hour
Thursday: 5 minutes
Friday: 5 minutes

Wouldn't you think the trajectory would likely continue?!

But no. Last night, Saturday, she was up for over 2.5 hours again. Same story - awake, quiet, calm, sometimes seeming like she'd sleep if she could, but just couldn't fall asleep. Like she'd been given caffeine, except I knew that of course she hadn't. I tried it all - rocking, singing, holding her, putting her in her crib and standing there with my hand on her back, taking her in to bed with me... I even drove around for 30 minutes from 4-4:30am. I let her CIO for as long as I could handle (which was about 6-7 minutes), out of utter desperation. I know, I wasn't consistent. But I was trying desperately to get her to sleep, on very, very little sleep myself. I was absolutely NOT going to give her benadryl for a third night this week. But when it had been over 2 hours, and I was *at.my.limit*, I gave in and gave her benadryl at 4:30. She finally fell asleep a few minutes after 5, I think.

And then, of course, I climbed in to bed, but was again SO frustrated and just DONE that I couldn't sleep. I ended up crying myself to sleep as the sun rose.

She slept until about 9, so I did get a little chunk of sleep early in the morning. But still. This is ridiculous. I can't go on like this!!

It's worse than the newborn days, for several reasons... When you have a newborn, you're not expected to function. You're on maternity leave - all you do is "baby". But now, at a year, you're supposed to be doing it all, "baby" and everything else, too. I have shit to do. I have to go to work. I have her birthday party to get ready for, among other things. I can't "sleep when the toddler sleeps"! (Plus, she doesn't sleep! Her daytime sleep is basically the same as before - she doesn't really seem to be all that affected by this lack of sleep!) And a newborn wakes up for a reason - they need to eat. And so they eat, and they go back to sleep within a reasonable period of time. Now, Jordyn is waking up for absolutely no reason that I can figure out, and she most certainly does NOT go back to sleep within a reasonable period of time. And that leads to... the frustration factor. You expect to be sleep deprived with a newborn, you know it's going to happen, and you're as mentally prepared for it as you can be. Now, you're not expecting it, there's no rhyme or reason to it, and so you can't possibly be prepared. Not really. And the length of time she's awake, leading to such severe frustration, and desperation to get her to sleep.

If Jordyn would wake up, but then go back to sleep within a reasonable period of time, like say, 10-20 minutes, I could deal with that. Even if it happened 3-4 times a night. I'd be exhausted, but I could deal with it. But the sheer length of time she's awake at once... the frustration... THAT'S the worst part.

I know she can sense when I'm frustrated, and I'm sure that's not helping. As my mother so helpfully commented, "You have to just not let it get to you." Ah, so THAT'S the trick! Just don't let it get to me! Well, of course! I'll just do that then. Startinggggg... now.

Yeah, right. If only it were that easy. If only it were controllable. I so desperately want to be that mother who can keep her shit together, stay cool, calm, and collected, no matter what. (Does that mother really exist, or just in my head?? My colleague said that while most people can keep it together in public, that doesn't mean they always do at home. Probably very true.) But you know what? I'm NOT that mother. Not even close. And I hate that.

I really hate the mother I've been this week. No patience. It's LONG gone. Not having fun, at least not much. Not enjoying it. At least, not most of the time. My colleague says everyone goes through these times. Is that true? I don't know. But I don't like it. I really hope things change this week, because Wednesday is Jordyn's birthday, and Saturday is her party. I want to have FUN on those days, and not be a miserable, frustrated, exhausted zombie with no patience who's just trying to make it through the day. :(

In other yet likely related news, Jordyn took her first steps on Friday night!! We were at my parents' house, and I'd made the comment to my dad that I wished she'd just learn to walk already so that she'd sleep again (going with the theory that big developmental leaps disrupt sleep). So he started "practicing" with her, and she did it! She took a few steps, several times. I tried, but wasn't able to get a video of it, and I still haven't been able to, so I'll try to get one soon. Today she started walking longer distances, still looking drunk and wobbly, but she's getting better at maintaining her balance. She's so proud of herself, even clapping for herself sometimes, when she does it. So cute!

Another theory a friend thinks is happening is that she's getting molars. Ok, that could be, but I figured she'd be cranky and irritable from being in pain if that were the case. And that doesn't seem to be happening, either at night or during the day. But who knows. I'm planning to call her pediatrician tomorrow to talk sleep, and I'm going to ask if she thinks that could be it.

Any other ideas? Suggestions? Anyone have experience with establishing a "lovey"? I'm trying, but so far it isn't working. I'm working on a plan to help Jordyn learn to soothe herself to sleep (establishing a lovey ideally being step #1), without doing CIO, but I haven't finalized it yet. I also have to figure out how to get four people (me, both of my parents, and the babysitter) to be consistent enough for it to work.

Oh please, Sleep Fairy, please help Jordyn stay asleep all night tonight! We're sleeping at my parents' house again, since I work 12 hours tomorrow, and my parents will deal with whatever happens tonight, but still. I'd like her to get back into a good sleep routine. She needs it, and so do I!