Mom and I Talked... All is Well!

So, my mom and I talked today, and all is well.

She's still supportive of me having a baby, she just hates that it won't be in the "typical" fashion of doing it with a husband. I realized something during our conversation. In the book, "Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide", Mikki Morrissette talks about how one thing you need to do before having a baby by yourself is to grieve the loss of doing it with a partner in the usual fashion. I'm pretty sure I'm past this step, but I realized that my mom isn't. And she needs to grieve that loss, too. I don't think she ever thought she'd have a grandchild before a son-in-law!

She said she second-guessed herself as soon as she hit the "send" button, asking herself why she sent it, knowing it would probably upset me. I asked her then why did she send it, and she said, "I don't know, maybe I just had to get it off my chest". When I suggested that maybe it would have been better said in a conversation than in an email, she said it was difficult for her to say, and easier for her to write (type). So, she took the easy way out.

She said she just didn't feel like I've tried that hard to find a husband. Which completely pisses me off! Hello, I've been on multiple dating websites for YEARS, and nothing has happened. In fact, I wrote to a guy just yesterday from one of those websites... and have I heard back?... no. Three-and-a-half years ago I picked up and moved back to Boston from Cincinnati - even though I liked my job there, had friends there, and owned a house there - for the sole reason that I was pretty sure I'd never find a husband in Cincinnati, and the odds would be better in Boston. Once back in Boston, I went to young Jewish singles events, went speeddating twice, went to singles meetup events, paid a shitload of money to "It's Just Lunch" - a dating company - which basically scammed me (I'm still trying to get some of my money back from them, and had a lawyer friend help me write a letter - yes, it was THAT bad!), and have taken every opportunity to be set up (which there haven't been many of, but what can I do about that?). I reminded her of all of this. Tried, I certainly have!

She's believes that you always have to give a guy a second chance, i.e. a second date, because you just can't know after only going out once. Bullshit, I say! Sometimes all you need is five minutes! If I'm even remotely interested, or think attraction could grow with time, I'll go out with a guy a second time, if he's even interested.

Which brings me to another point. My mom seems to think that all I have to do is just go out on a date with every guy on jdate, and magically my husband will appear. I had to remind her that guess what! dating is a two-way street! The guy has to actually want to go out with me, too, that I can't just say, "hey buddy, we're going out, meet me on Thursday at 7 at such-and-such restaurant!" There has to be interest on both sides. She said, "I don't know why they don't want to date you, you have so much to offer" - have you ever heard a more "typical mom statement" than that?!

This is all coming, by the way, from a woman who met her husband when they were 14 and 15 years old. Yes, that's right - high school sweethearts! It's a very cheesy story, too... They dated on and off throughout high school, but went to different colleges. My mom got a job on campus to make money to buy plane tickets to go visit my dad. She never told her parents she was flying to Ohio to visit him, and this was way before cell phones! For two years her roommate covered for her, telling her parents she was at the library or out with friends if they called while she was away. Then one day her roommate decided not to cover for her, and told her parents where she was. They were none too pleased, but she ended up transferring to the school in Ohio where my dad was so they could be together. They got married soon after they graduated, at 20 and 21 years old. And they're still married 40 years later. So what could my mom possibly know about the dating world, much less dating in your late 30s? NOTHING!!!

I explained the whole dating thing with an analogy. Imagine you're trying to learn to snow ski. But every time you get to the top of the lift, all you end up doing is falling down the mountain. And each time you get to the bottom, it gets a little harder to get back on the lift, knowing all that'll probably happen when you get to the top is you'll fall back down the mountain yet again. Eventually, you'll give up, and go learn basket weaving instead!

It just gets harder and harder over time to keep trying to do something you just keep failing at. Mikki's book (I think it was that one, I've read so many lately on this topic!) also talks about how dating actually gets easier once you've had your baby or babies, because the pressure is off. And that before you have your children but you're starting to near the end of your fertility, dating is just a series of quickly sizing up a guy to find out if he wants kids, would be a good father, and how quickly he might be ready to become one. But once you have your children on your own, you can relax, enjoy the date, and just have fun with it. If you find someone you like, great, if not, it's ok, because you don't have to worry about your eggs anymore!

I also had to explain to my mom that most guys in my age range aren't looking to date someone who's nearing the end of her fertility. That is, if they want to have children. If they don't want kids, then I don't want them! So if they're ok with dating a 36-year-old, they either A) don't want kids or B) already have them and don't necessarily want more. The only hits I get from the websites are from guys who are closer to my parents age than to mine. EWW. Guys who are in my age range and want kids are looking for women younger than me.

So, anyway, you probably already know all of this, most likely being in the same or a similar boat. But, we talked, I explained how and why her email upset me, we both cried, she apologized and confirmed that yes, she is still supportive of me becoming a single mother by choice.

And then the conversation moved on to a house she found online that's for sale up here, and that if it's still for sale next week, she'd like to go see it when she and my dad are up here. So, all is certainly well!

On another note, I wonder if I have any followers yet. How does one go about getting followers? Not that I necessarily need them... I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else, but it's kind of nice to think that someone out there in the great beyond may actually be reading this! Anyone out there? haha