To Be or Not to Be... a Mommy

So, for the past week-and-a-half or so, I've been thinking nonstop about becoming a single mother by choice. Wait, let me back up. You need some background information first... I'm 36-and-a-half, single, straight, never been married. No kids. But want them. I've always known I wanted them; when I was younger, I often answered the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with "A mom. I want to be a mom and drive carpool". At least, that's how I remember it! Time has passed, and while I've tried (pretty hard at times, not so hard at others), to find "the one", it just hasn't happened. And I really want to have my own biological child, and to experience pregnancy and childbirth. Plus, I want to have a child when I'm still young enough to have the energy and stamina needed, and while my parents are young enough not only to help out, but also to have a relationship with their first grandchild. Time is running out. At this point, there's very little chance that I'd actually find "the one", get married, and be ready to have a child with him in time (i.e. while I'm still fertile). This all hit me like a ton of bricks last weekend.

So, since then, I've been reading, researching, networking, and ordering and reading books on the topic of single motherhood by choice (meaning you decide to become a mother by choice, not be single by choice!). Also called "choice motherhood". I'm like a sponge on all things pregnancy, babies, sperm donors, child care, etc. I have a few things to figure out, namely, finances. Finances are the bane of my existence right now. I'm realizing how very expensive child care is, and how much it SO does not fit in my budget! But if I can figure out how to make it work, I'm totally gonna have myself a baby!

I've already bought the first item for the nursery. I'm WAAAAY ahead of myself, I know! But don't worry, it was just a teeny-tiny $2.49 teddy bear. :) I was in Target the other day, and ended up walking around the baby section long enough to start to worry what people might think. It was a BAD idea! I just had to buy the teddy bear. It's going to be my little symbol of this journey - any time I start to worry about how to make it work, or about being able to get pregnant, or anything, I'm just going to go into the "nursery" and look at the teddy bear. And someday my child will have that teddy bear as a way to remind him just how much I wanted him - so badly that I bought that little teddy bear to keep me on track to having him.

So, my plan is to figure out the finance issue, talk my parents into moving closer to me (which will hopefully help with the finance issue as they could then help with child care), and then start trying to conceive for my 37th birthday present, in January. I REALLY want this, so I really hope I can make it work!