Love,
Mom"
Seriously? You want to "go over the choices" with me? What happened to you being so supportive of me doing this by myself?? I thought that's where you were.
I have NOT ruled out ever finding a husband/daddy. I just don't think things are going to happen in the usual order. There's no reason why I couldn't still find a guy AFTER having a baby. Say, at the park/playground, in the pediatrician's waiting room, on a dating website for single parents... Wherever. BTW, I've been on jdate for literally YEARS and nothing ever happens. I've tried. Hard, at times. And failed. So it's time to move on, while still keeping one foot in the dating world.
FYI, I did send a message to a guy on match.com today. Yes, today. And I don't even like dating in the summer because it's too hot and I sweat too much. I'm not NOT dating anymore, I'm just not totally focused on it. And I AM focused on having a baby. If a guy happens to randomly come along in the meantime, great. But I doubt it'll happen in time, so the baby will likely come before, not necessary "instead", of a guy! Things don't have to happen in any particular order anymore.
PLEASE do not come to Boston thinking we're going to sit down together and find me a husband. We're not. Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen.
I love you, and I want you to be happy for me with whatever and however my life ends up being...
I'm not mad, just frustrated!
love,
Robyn"
Too harsh? Am I overthinking it? Maybe I'm PMSing. Hmmm, better get that basal body thermometer ready! But I got REALLY upset after reading her email - some weird combination of angry, frustrated, and sad. It was kind of like I kind of knew I was maybe more upset than I needed to be, but couldn't seem to do anything about it. I'm in the process of weaning off of Lexapro, so maybe that's where this strong emotion is coming from. Who knows. But I DO know that sitting down with my mom to look at the choices on a dating website is NOT something that is EVER going to happen! And that it was completely ridiculous and obnoxious for her to even say it!
Ok. So, I'm at work, I've just read this crazy email from my mom, and I need to vent. But no one at work knows anything about this, and it was after 10pm, so I didn't have anyone readily accessible to vent to. So, I logged onto FB and noticed my good (and only, really) male friend C (I'm using his initial to protect the innocent!) was online. Now, back when I very briefly considered going the known donor route, I very briefly considered asking C to be the donor. But I quickly dismissed the idea after reading some horror stories about known donor situations gone awry and deciding to use an open donor. C is one of those really good guys who goes out of his way to help people out and would give you the shirt off his back. He's a real stand-up guy. He's also really funny, and he has these absolutely AMAZING blue eyes that I would LOVE for my child to have. If you're wondering why C and I have never dated, it's because... well... ok, I'm not completely sure. I developed a big crush on him a while back, and told him so, but he lives in upstate NY, so there's the distance thing, he was worried about messing up our friendship, and well, quite honestly, I'm not sure he returned the attraction. My crush has mostly faded, but we still joke around about it on occasion.
So, anyway, I'm venting to C, telling him I got this ridiculous email from my mom (whom he's met, btw), and at first I didn't tell him about the baby part, just that my mom was giving me a hard time about putting more effort into dating and finding a husband. C then said he thought I was going to say she asked when I was going to give her a grandchild. So, then I filled him in on the I'm-planning-to-have-a-baby-by-myself situation, which was kind of funny, because it's basically the exact opposite of what he thought - instead of my parents asking me to give them a grandchild, I'm telling them I'm going to!
So we started talking about the whole process - insemination, choosing a donor, etc., and we were joking about how there's lots of free sperm just walking around out there, but that I'm not the type to go to a bar and pick someone up to get laid and hopefully knocked up. So then he said something to the effect of that he'd possibly be willing to help me out...
WHAT?
He basically offered to be my known donor. Gave me something to think about, I'll tell you that much! He sounded pretty serious, so I asked him if he'd really consider that, and quickly gave him some of the things to think about (i.e. would he want the child to know him as "daddy" or "Uncle C"?, how much contact would he want?, what about his family members who may see this child as their relative and want to have some sort of relationship?, etc.) C and I know each other because we both volunteer at a camp/retreat for families with a child with cancer. C's niece died from complications of a brain tumor a couple of years ago, and I knew her and her parents very well from this camp. I went to her funeral, which is where C and I first met, and then he started volunteering at the camp. So, I not only know C, but I'm friends with one of his sisters, too. And I've met pretty much the whole family. So, it could be quite complicated, having him as a known donor! I'm not sure it's really in the cards, but I said if he was serious, I'd be willing to talk about it. He said he would think about it and we'd talk about it again. Hmmm.
I told C that I'd briefly considered asking him to be the donor, but that I'd decided it wouldn't be a good idea. He asked me why, so I told him some of the horror stories I've read about, but I felt weird, because I didn't want him to think I thought HE would do any of that stuff! But, as we know, you never know! C is 39, single, straight, no kids. He feels like he's in the same boat as me in terms of running out of time. So, maybe he really WOULD want to father a child, but not BE the father of the child, just to be able to have helped bring a child into the world. The way he said it, he'd do it to help me out (see, I told you he goes out of his way to help people!). That's just the kind of guy he is. What a great quality in a person, something I'd love for my child to have!
So, again, Hmmm.
I did feel better after talking to C. Again, something I'd like my child to have, the ability to be a good listener and let a friend vent when she needs to. Hmmm.
I tried to call my mom (this was before the conversation with C), then texted her saying I was very upset by her email and to please try to call if she could. I missed a call from her (I was at work for all of this, after all!), and texted her when I got out of work at midnight to see if she was still awake. She said, "half asleep", so I said we could talk tomorrow, so she said "thx gnight". Not even a, "I'm sorry I upset you, let's talk tomorrow" text or email or voicemail message when I missed her call. Thanks, mom!
I'm hoping this will all blow over tomorrow when we talk, but for right now, I'm still kinda upset. Should I be? Don't know.
Hrmph. Thx gnight.
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