Rough Night

**Warning: Long emotional rant below. Feel free to skip this one!**

The last hour or two of work last night were torturous. I had been sitting down in my office for a while (hiding out, I admit it), and then when I stood up, I gagged. For absolutely no reason whatsoever. No weird smell, no weird visual, no food, no teeth brushing, no nothing... I just gagged. And then I took a zofran. And sat back down.

But from then on, I was miserable. I just simply didn't feel good.

So I cried most of the way home. Not just because of that one night, but because it's been over 6 straight weeks of feeling this way and I just can't take it anymore!

And then got home to find that my dog had gotten into my vitamins and meds. I've had them sitting on the kitchen counter for weeks, some of them months, and she's never gotten them. But last night she did. There were DHA pills, Colace pills, and unisom all over the living room floor. Thankfully, I don't think she actually ate any. She looked fine and was acting fine. The unisom, which I was most worried about, were all still in their individual packets (I knew I had only used two, and the rest were all accounted for). She'd mostly just chewed up the box. There was one DHA pill out of it's individual packet, but the rest were still inside. She'd chewed the childproof top off of the Colace bottle, and those pills were scattered all over the place. But I'm honestly pretty sure she didn't eat any. So I didn't freak out too much about that. Just yelled at her for getting into them in the first place and making a mess.

Needless to say, vitamins and meds are now stored inside a high cabinet in the kitchen.

I know people say animals (dogs, especially) "know" when you're pregnant because they can sense the hormonal changes. I don't know if that's true, but maybe my dog's recent behavior really is because she knows?? She's been getting herself into a lot of trouble lately. I recently started blocking the bottom of the stairs when I'm not home so she can't go up, because she was peeing in my closet fairly often. But now she's finding ways to get into trouble downstairs, too! I keep threatening to go back to crating her, which I haven't done for years... and I think I may actually do it. It's starting to really piss me off that she keeps getting into stuff she *knows* full-well she's not supposed to. I don't know if it's that she "knows" I'm pregnant, or that she's just not getting the same amount of exercise lately, since I barely get off the couch when I'm home, and she's pissed about it. But yesterday I worked, so she was with her doggie daycare guy, who takes her running. So I just don't know. But it's really driving me crazy.

Usually when I get home, I put down my bags and take off my coat, then let the dog out. But last night she couldn't wait to go out to pee, so I still had my coat on when I let her out. I ended up crying again, and I went outside and sat on a chair on the patio and just cried.

This is how I know I really lost it. How many people do you know who sit outside crying on their patio at 12:30am in the middle of January in New England?? I mean, seriously, what the hell?! I think even my dog knew I'd lost it. She came over and put her paws up on me. She *is* a therapy dog, so maybe she just knew I needed comforting, or maybe she was trying to apologize, I don't know.

And then I came inside and cleaned up the mess she'd made. And listened to the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, thinking maybe that would help me feel better. Not really, not then, because I was just SO down.

I finally went to bed at 2am. My dog didn't follow me, but she sometimes sleeps on the couch for a while and then comes up. She's pretty much always on the bed when I wake up. So when she wasn't there when I woke up at 6 or 7 to pee, I got really worried. Maybe she HAD eaten some of the pills? I wanted to get up to check on her, but I knew I really needed to get more sleep or I'd feel horrible all day. And I knew coming downstairs would mean I'd never fall back to sleep. And I think a part of me was also worried about coming down and finding her dead, or really sick. So I called her a couple of times, and she came upstairs. She's fine!

I cried again either while I was trying to fall asleep at 2 or after I got up to pee, I don't remember. I just know I cried. And I know it was because of a specific thought I had, but I can't remember what it was now.

But what I do know is that it's taking pretty much everything I have not to call my mom and beg her to come up here. I want my mom so badly right now I can't even take it; I'm tearing up as I type this! I don't know if it's that I feel like I *want* her or that I feel like I *need* her.

I'm trying to be strong, but I don't think I'm as strong as I want to be. This isn't the first time I've had this intense want/need for my mom. But I don't want her to know how desperate I'm feeling. I think that's exactly it - I feel "desperate". Like, I just CAN NOT do this anymore! I can't keep feeling this way physically, I can't keep feeling this way emotionally, I can't keep making it through 12-hour workdays by sheer force of will, I can't keep spending full days lying on the couch, ignoring the laundry, ignoring my dog, ignoring the dishwasher that needs to be emptied, ignoring the bills that need to be paid, ignoring the mail and other crap piling up...

I know that this will pass. I know it will. It has before, and it will again. And I know I should start feeling better in a week or two. If g-d forbid I don't, if this lasts much longer, I really don't know how I'll make it. I think I really *will* have to call my mom and ask her to come help me.

Damn, I'm really crying now.

Wow, why does pregnancy have to suck so much?!?

Please... No reminders about the good outcome, the baby at the end up the road... I know. I really do. I'm just having a hard time *right now*, and thinking about the end doesn't help me at all. It's too far away.

Oh, I just remembered what made me cry when I was trying to fall asleep. It was the thought that I just give and give, and no one gives to me. My job is one where I help others, I help children and their families cope with healthcare/medical experiences. So, I give for 12 hours at a time at work. And then I come home, lie on the couch for a day or two, and then go back and give for another 12 hours. But who's giving to me? No one. No one gives me a foot rub or a back rub. No one cooks for me, or helps pay the bills, or helps clean up the dog's messes, or with doing the laundry or emptying the dishwasher. No one. And that thought made me cry. And maybe that's why I feel such a strong pull to ask my mom to come up - because SHE would give to me. She'd take care of me.

But how can I become a mother myself, and count on myself to take care of my child - someone else to GIVE TO - when all I want to do is call my OWN mother to come take care of me?!? I can't. So I think that's at least one reason why I'm resisting letting my mom know how hard it's been. She knows I've been feeling horrible, but she doesn't know about the emotional part. And I think I should probably keep it that way, if I can help it.

UGH. At least I can look forward to seeing good friends (a couple, J and B) on Sunday, that I don't see very often. They'll be in from out of town, and I'm going to call out sick from work to hang out with them. And I don't feel guilty about it at all.