Oh yes, yet another post venting about my childcare situation with my parents!! This may get ugly, so feel free to skip it - I just really need to get this out!
Why is it that my parents just refuse to do things the way I ask? Am I wrong that they should, since *I'M* the parent?! I mean, unless I'm asking them to do something that puts Jordyn in danger or something, I feel like they should respect my decisions and do things as I'd like them to be done. Even if they disagree. If for no other reason than they should, and they respect me, and respect me as a parent. Right?!
On Monday I used my parents' bathroom because they had family friends in town staying with them, who were using the guest bathroom, which is the one I typically use. While I was in the shower, I noticed Jordyn's shampoo/body wash was in there, which is weird, because she's bathed in the front half-bath sink (with the baby bathtub in it), not in my parents' bathroom. So I asked my mom who had taken Jordyn in the shower. She said she had, after taking her swimming one day (their house has an indoor pool in it - it's not a mansion or anything, but it's a pretty nice house, and someone had added on an indoor pool long before they bought it). She's always bathed after swimming, but she hadn't ever been in a shower before. I have specifically been waiting to take her in the shower with me, for several reasons, mostly safety-related ones. But here my mom, who has bad knees and a bad back, took her in the shower with her! Aside from the safety issues, I kinda feel like there's a boundary issue here. Like it's just slightly inappropriate for my mom to take my daughter in the shower with her. I know they're family, and I most definitely know nothing really inappropriate would ever happen... but I just still feel like I'm the only one who should bathe with my child (and I know some people probably think even that's weird).
Not to mention the fact that I'd very specifically said at the outset that I didn't want them to do anything new/for the first time with her, when I wasn't there. Because you know what? She's my child, and I don't want to miss any firsts that I don't have to. I realize she may say her first word, or take her first steps, or whatever, when I'm not there - and there's nothing anyone can do about that (other than not encourage it, maybe!). But anything that's under others' control, like a new experience, or new food, or whatever - I want to be there for that. Maybe this is selfish, maybe it's asking too much... But regardless, that was my request. So I asked my mom to please not take her in the shower again, and reiterated my request about not doing anything new with her that she hadn't done before.
So what happened literally three or four days later? My mom gave her banana, a food she'd never had before. WTF? I mean, I had *just* had the conversation with her about not doing anything new... Is this really so difficult to understand?! She said Jordyn had had a couple of loose stools, so she thought she "needed" banana. Don't bother calling me to ask, or even calling her doctor... Ok, so banana isn't such a huge deal - but I really do like seeing her face when she tries a new food. She makes the greatest faces/expressions, and I really enjoy being the one to introduce her to new things, even something as simple as banana. And even if it is selfish, isn't it my right, as her parent, to make that decision - to be selfish about being with her for new things?! At least for a while, that's just how I'd like it to be, it's as simple as that. I've waited so long to be a parent; I want to get to experience every little part of it that I can!
And then my dad argued with me this morning about how to make Jordyn's bottles. He wants to put the formula in first, and then add the water, instead of the other way around. I said that was fine, but he needed to measure the water in another container first, because otherwise you can't tell if you're adding the right amount for how much formula you put in. He argued that it's close enough, you can just fill it all the way up (she's now getting 8 ounce bottles - that's right - 8 ounces - this kid can EAT!). I will admit that its difficult to put the formula in after the water... We use the pla.ytex nur.ser bottles, the ones with the liners. And when you put 8 ounces of water in the liner, and then put the liner in the bottle, there's very little room left at the top to put in 4 scoops of formula. I have to put in some, then put the top on the bottle and shake it, then open it to add the rest. It's annoying. But especially when I'm not home, it's the easiest way, because I have the water premeasured in the liner/bottle already, and just pour in the premeasured formula. But anyway, he was arguing with me that he doesn't need to measure the water if he puts it in after the formula. And I disagree. And asked him to please do it my way. But why should he do that? I mean, Jordyn's only MY child!!
I missed a call from my mom yesterday when I was at work, so I tried calling her back. Three times, over several hours, before she answered. I was starting to get slightly worried that I couldn't reach her. But all was well, she'd just been at a dentist appointment and then the grocery store (my dad had Jordyn while she was out). When I finally spoke to her around 9:00, she reported that Jordyn had been really cranky all day, crying and miserable. That when she got home, my dad couldn't wait to hand Jordyn to her, because she'd been crying all afternoon. My mom was convinced she was in pain from teething, and said something like, "we need to figure out what we're going to do about her teething pain". I asked if she'd given her tyl.enol, but she hadn't because they don't have any baby tyl.enol at their house. And she eventually admitted to me that she hadn't even thought about it until we were talking about it. Now yes, it's my fault that they don't have any at their house - I should've provided them with some to have their in case they needed it - but this was the first time it's been needed. But... hello... if Jordyn was in pain all day, shouldn't one of them have gone out and bought some damn tyl.enol?! Instead of having her be in pain and miserable?! Or at the very least, called me to ask what I wanted them to do? It hurt my heart to think that she was so upset and in pain all day, and they didn't do anything about it! Oh, my mom said she tried an ice cube, which Jordyn chewed/sucked on for a few seconds, but it was too cold. Well, yeah, it probably needed to be wrapped in something.
Meanwhile, she's been fine, acting like her normal self all day today, so who knows if it really even was teething pain. Maybe she was hungry because my dad was screwing up her bottles! The way my mom described her screaming, it sounds like her hunger cry. Who knows, but regardless, she was miserable, and I couldn't be there for her, and I *hate* that! I'm almost positive that her teeth (two at one time!) were already poking through her gums the day before yesterday, so I don't even think the timing was quite right to be significant teething pain. But what do I know, this teething thing is new to me!
Yesterday morning, I brought Jordyn in to my dad when he was still in bed, and he wanted to see if she would fall back to sleep in their bed. I said no, it really wasn't safe for her to sleep in bed with them, and I was going to take her back out and let him just sleep. But he insisted he wouldn't fall asleep, and I was pretty sure Jordyn wasn't going to fall back to sleep anyway. So what did my mom tell me my dad did yesterday afternoon? Took a nap with Jordyn in their bed. WTF?!
The kicker, and what really kills me, is that they think they're doing a "pretty good job". And I mean, they kind of are, but there are so many things that are SO frustrating, and SO annoying, and SO not what I've asked/requested them to do. And this has been going on basically from the start, so I think I need to figure out a new childcare situation, which is a subject for another post (plus I should've gone to sleep long ago, but I really wanted to finish this).
I feel like, if I had a partner, this wouldn't be happening. I mean, likely my parents wouldn't be taking care of Jordyn as much in the first place. But even if they were, they'd have to deal with not just my, but also my partner's requests. And that would kind of force them to do things differently, at least partly. I feel like, if it wouldn't be this way if I had a partner, then it shouldn't be this way *without* me having a partner. My SMC-hood shouldn't have any bearing on my parents' boundaries with Jordyn, yet it does. And that makes me MAD.
A warning if you do decide to purue different childcare... it is quite likely that no one will do things exactly as you would do them or want them done. Even the very best of caretakers. So you will probably have similar issues, except that you won't have underlying parent-issues (which we all certainly have to some extent) as an added stressor to the situation. But her caretakers also wouldn't be grandma and grandpa, and there's something pretty amazing about having Jordyn with family. And if you had a partner, you'd also likely be dealing with the same negotiations and differences in opinion about parenting/childcare. It would just be your partner who wasn't measuring the formula right. My married friends tell me this is the #1 challenge for them - accepting and even embracing differences in parenting styles. It's just tough when you obviously want to be with her more of the time, but you can't because of work. I hope it works out for all of you!
ReplyDeleteI was just going to say what Claire just said. It sounds like you won't be happy with the way anyone raises your child. If so, then maybe it would be a good idea to quit your job and raise her yourself. Apple is hiring full-time work at home customer service technicians. It pays $18 an hour with benefits and you don't need any experience. They'll even send you a new iMac. It's on their website listed under careers. It might be a good option for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have this problem, my parents barely ever watch Isaac. I will say, that my dad tries to give me advice, though I know he was always at work and did very little of the day-to-day care when I was a child. My dad admits he has only changed TWO diapers in the 61 years he has been alive (one time for me, one time for my brother). Then he gets annoyed when I mention that research goes against his advice nowadays! However, sometimes, daycare has to break my requests too. For example, some times the feed him too often, but he is hungry and uncomfortable. Unfortunately, as working parents, sometimes we are going to miss out. Isaac's teachers know to not mention any new milestones to me so that I can be surprised to discover them at home.
ReplyDeleteI can't offer any advice. However, I know I'll run into the same things when I do have a child. My mom will be watching future baby. Some of the things I say I'm going to do she already wants to know why I'm going to do differently than she did with us. After all, "we're still alive". Even though she knows I love my research, I'd like to think that she also knows this will be *my* child, not *our* child. I try to tell her that I just want to do my best in raising my child, like she did her best with raising us. Though I think sometimes she'll just go ahead and do things her way, cause it's prove-I don't know?
ReplyDeleteI do know that I want future kiddos to be brought up with my family, since I have the oppurtunity, if I'm not the one who gets to be there all the time with them. My sister, whose girls my mom watches, says you just have to let some things go, but fight for the ones that mean the most. We'll see how I do, but I do feel for ya!
I've had similar issues with my mom watching Elena. I really don't think I ask a lot & give my mom a lot of lea way to do things her way since she's home with Elena all day but on things I'm firm on it sometimes feels as tho my mom purposely disregards them out of spite!! Frustrating!! Hope you're able to make some headway with your parents.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds really frustrating. I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteFor the bottles, why not just pre-mix the formula and leave it in a pitcher? At least you can take the argument out of that one. Or else pre-fill her bottles with water AND formula. But I think you can mix up a whole days worth in a pitcher and even use a hand blender if you want. Would be easier for you, also, no more complicated taking on and off of the nipple.
As for the rest. I think the thing is, you can prioritize a few things that are really important to you, but you can't prioritize everything. So pick, say, the three things that are most important to you.
So for meals, if that's important to you, make a menu and ask them to stick to it. You can even pack a lunch bag and label each item with blue masking tape with when and how much to feed her, how to prepare it, etc.
But for the rest... your parents are doing you a favor. They aren't your employees. And even employees do things their own way. It's hard for me sometimes, too, with a nanny. But at least with a nanny, there's not the same interpersonal issues at stake. Your parents have a relationship with your daughter that is separate from you. I wish they were more understanding of your wishes but... asking them to never do anything new with her seems like a bit much, especially the shower. It wouldn't have occured to me that that was a "new" thing. THough to be fair, I wouldn't shower with someone else's child, I think, though maybe if I was related to them it would feel different...
Anyway, the woman that I share a nanny with has been a really good model for me as far as loosening up the reins, and learning to decide when to be firm about things -- when they are REALLY important to me -- and when it's important to just let people be who they are -- most of the time. if who they are doesn't work, then yes, find new daycare. because you will pay the price either way, right? in psychic pain for "free" care or in cash for more traditional daycare. it sounds like more space and boundaries might be good for all of you.
just so we are clear... i'm not judging or criticizing you! I get it. It's hard. But I think you aren't being realistic in what you can control.
Good luck!
I am going to chime in here. I just had this conversation with my married friend. She made the comment that she was jealous because when I have my baby I can make all the decisions. In her situation her husband gets a vote. So I doubt a partner would be easier at all. My other married friend is a control freak and makes every decision for her kids and her husband has no vote. He is also not interested in her our the kids. The kids sleep with her and he sleeps in his own room. He also complains about being a parent when ever he gets a chance.
ReplyDeleteWhere your parents are concerned there has to be some give and take. There is no way you are going to see all her first with a full time job. Also you don't want to make your parents bitter for watching your child. I been reading your blog for a while. Didn't your parents move to be your primary care taker for your baby. That is a major sacrifice. I will tell you my friend runs a daycare those people do exactly what they want with your kid as soon as you drop them off. I think you are blessed.