More Sleep Issues

Someone has been crying it out... and it isn't Jordyn.

This week has been SO difficult. I've had some of my worst mom/parenthood moments to date. By far.

Up until now, it's been mostly fun and games. You know that saying, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye"? Well... it's not that anyone has lost an eye, but reality has most certainly hit.

This shit is HARD.

Pretty much all week, or at least since Tuesday (which just happened to be my birthday), Jordyn's sleep has really sucked. The "blip" she had a couple of weeks ago when she wasn't sleeping well was resolved by putting her back into Baby Mer.lin's Magic Sleep.suit. She went back to 10-11 hours/night. Although, it's still been somewhat difficult to get her TO sleep, and to stay asleep when you put her down (although she's better with this with my parents than with me... WTH? What am I doing wrong??).

But now... Now she's waking up randomly in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason. And she just will NOT go back to sleep. Rather, she WILL fall back to sleep, but she won't STAY asleep when I try to put her in her crib, or on my bed, or just shift away from her in my bed so I can try to sleep. We've been awake for around 2 hours straight in the middle of the night every night. It's absolutely maddening.

The thing is, if she were waking up for a reason that I could determine, and I could address that issue, and then she'd go back to sleep - I could handle that. That I understand. That makes sense. But she doesn't need to eat, she hasn't pooped, or spit up all over herself, or anything. She could be teething, for sure. I gave her tylenol one night, but it didn't seem to help at all, so I haven't given it again, because I don't want to medicate her unnecessarily.

She's definitely still tired when she wakes up. It's not that she's wide awake and happy and wants to play. I can get her to fall back to sleep pretty quickly and easily in my arms. I hold her for a while, sleeping, and then try to lay her down in her crib, just like at the beginning of the night. She immediately pops her eyes open and starts to cry. It's like she was faking sleeping, except obviously she's not! I try to soothe her while she's in her crib, rocking her back and forth, rubbing her belly, patting her tush, shushing... but it never works, and she just escalates the crying until I pick her back up.

She has trouble staying asleep when you put her down at the beginning of the night, too, but usually she'll sleep for at least a little while in her crib before waking up. Inevitably, I end up taking her into my bed and we cosleep for the rest of the night, because it's easier and faster than trying to get her back to sleep in her crib (I honestly think I could spend the rest of the night trying to make that happen). While I really like cosleeping in theory, it doesn't work all that well for us. I'm a very light sleeper - Jordyn moves her thumb and I'm awake. She seems to wake up more often when in my bed, too, but then again, she's there because she's been waking up, so maybe she'd be waking up just as often if she were in her crib. No idea.

But here's the thing. Even when I take her into my bed, it doesn't solve the problem. I take her into my bed, cuddle up with her, do the soothing routine. It doesn't work. She still fusses/cries, arches her back, and won't sleep. She acts tired, but won't sleep. Sometimes she falls asleep briefly, but as soon as I shift my weight or move my arm or something, she wakes up. Did she inherit the curse of being an incredibly light sleeper from me?? So, I'm back to... What's the issue here? It's like she wants to sleep, but can't. Is something bothering her? If so, what? What can or should I do for her??

She won't take a pacifier, and she also doesn't suck her thumb. I mean, she occasionally does, but not really as a self-soothing technique. The only sucking she does for soothing seems to be on my boobs. Yep, I'm her big, giant, human-shaped, warm, cuddly pacifier! That's often how she ends up finally falling asleep in my bed - nursing to sleep. And she's really not even getting any milk - very, very, very little if any. So, it's not that she's hungry, that I know for sure. It's totally a soothing thing. Babies are often soothed by sucking, but if she won't take a pacifier or suck her thumb, am I really the only other choice? Am I destined to be her human pacifier for the forseeable future?? Sometimes, after she falls asleep on my boob, I try to break the latch so I can shift away from her to get comfortable to sleep (I usually sleep on my back). And that's when she'll often wake right back up and cry. Ugh.

I end up getting SO frustrated. I've cried, multiple times, both in the middle of the night and during the day when I'm trying to function on so little sleep. I've raised my voice at her, telling her to just close her eyes and go to sleep!, asking her what she wants... I most certainly have NOT hurt her, and won't. But wow, I'm really at my wits end!

I was supposed to work from 5:30pm-midnight on Wednesday, but called out. Wednesday was just a horrible day all around, starting Tuesday night with the sleep issues. I think we actually coslept from the beginning that night, because she wouldn't sleep in her crib at all. Wednesday night she woke up less than an hour after she went to sleep, and that was the end of the crib for the night. I barely had time to wash bottles and grab something to eat before I was then with her for the rest of the night. Thursday I worked a 12-hour day until midnight, went to sleep around 1:00-1:10, and she woke up at 2:05. We were then up until somewhere around 4:00, maybe 3:45. We coslept until 6:something, when she was up for the day. If I added right, I think I got a grand total of maybe 4.5 very broken-up hours of sleep, and this after working for 12 hours! Last night she managed to stay asleep in her crib until 4:20 (from around 9:45; I went to sleep at 10:30, so that was the biggest chunk of sleep I've gotten all week). But then we were up until 6:something again, with less than an hour after that. And now I'm at work for a 12-hour day until midnight again. The thought of getting to midnight before even being able to go home tonight is horrible enough, but the thought of another sleepless night after that... OMG.

I just can't keep this up. Something has to change. I realize this is sort of part and parcel of having a baby, but again, if she would wake up and then go back to sleep within 20-30 minutes, fine. If she needed to eat in the middle of the night, fine. But this 2 hours every single night, when I can't for the life of me figure out why she's awake or what to do, is crazy! What's going on? What am I doing wrong??

I'm fully aware that if this keeps up, she's going to need sleep training of some sort. She actually needs it anyway, because I really need and want her to be able to fall asleep on her own, and she doesn't. She only falls asleep in my (or someone else's) arms. But here's the thing - I can't do CIO. It's torturous, for both of us. I end up crying, and I inevitably give in (I've sort of tried it a couple of times). I can deal with fussing or even a little crying; it's when it turns into tortured screaming like someone is pulling her toenails off that I just can't let it go on. I need to do some research and figure out some modified version or something or other and give it a try. I think.

The Wond.er Weeks app I have on my phone says she's making a leap now and has a storm cloud above the coming week. So maybe this is just a blip that'll self-resolve soon. At least the waking up and staying up in the middle of the night part, if not the getting her to sleep in the first place part.

She does have a cold right now. In fact, that's probably at least part of what's going on. But I am doing everything the doctor said to do - I have a folded towel under the head of her mattress so she's slightly angled, and I have a cool-mist humidifier on in her room (although not in mine). I'm also using a nosefr.ida (something I *never* thought I'd actually use, but it honestly works great and I'm actually kind of addicted to it now) to clear out her nose. She doesn't like it, but it helps her be able to breath better. She also has a cough, but it's inconsistent, and I really never hear her cough at night, strangely enough.

I have a cold, too, not that it matters! And it's not nearly as bad as some colds I've had. But it's not helping to not be able to sleep to try to get better. And the cold is probably just adding to my already-ridiculous level of exhaustion. I'm barely functioning, just trying to get through the days until this phase is over (and it better just be a phase!). I'm getting NOTHING accomplished other than the basics, at home or at work. I don't often get much more than that accomplished, anyway, at least at home! My head is totally in a cloud.

I was spoiled by Jordyn sleeping through the night with just a couple of blips starting around 8-9 weeks. But now that it's been a week of being up so much and so long in the middle of the night every night, the cumulative effect is just wearing me down. I always knew that I didn't do well without enough sleep. Some people seem to be able to handle sleep deprivation better than others, or can get by on little sleep, but I'm most certainly NOT one of them! Sleep deprivation was the thing I was most worried about when I was pregnant (in terms of when the baby was born). I love my daughter, and wouldn't trade her or motherhood for anything, but I'm having a rough time right now. I love her to pieces and always will, but these days? Well, mostly in middle of the night - I don't like her very much. It's a good thing she's so damn cute!

This too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

... right???