Clarification...

Sigh.

After my last post, I'm pretty sure most of my followers think I'm a crazy control freak bitch.

I'm not. I promise I'm not!

(K,  back me up here!!)

Ok, well, I'll admit to being a little bit of a control freak, but only in regards to Jordyn. I've never been one until now. I mean, I job share with 3 other people, we make our own schedule, work together on things, etc. And it's never, ever been a problem. I really do work well with others! I ask for, listen to, and respect others' thoughts and opinions, compromise, make sure others are in the loop about things that happen on my shifts... all that good stuff.

But for some reason, when it comes to Jordyn, I guess I have to admit I am sometimes a control freak. I don't really know where it came from. I don't know if at least some of it is just typical new mom stuff, if it's stemming from the anxiety I developed when I was pregnant, if it's some weird manifestation of PPD, if I need to up my Zol.oft dose, if it's due to things like the Newt.own tragedy, if I just know too much about all that can go wrong from my job (working in a pedi.atric emerg.ency department), or what. But as much as I want to be a laid-back, easygoing mom... I just can't seem to do it. I worry about every little thing. And I guess in an effort to offset that, I want everything to be done "just so". I hear and read about how to do things, and I get a little "stuck" on trying to sure everything is done exactly right.

Now, that's not to say that I think I'm doing everything exactly right. I know I'm not perfect - no one is. I do, however, think I should be able to make my own mistakes, and learn from them. As long as I'm not putting Jordyn in any kind of danger by doing so, of course! And in that sense, I do think my parents should be willing to do things as I'd like them to be done. I know they're not going to do every little thing exactly as I would do it - they're not me. And that's ok. And they have done things with Jordyn that she hasn't done before, and taken her places she's never been before - and I am and have been perfectly fine with that! She's been to Cos.tco and Home.Goods with them, and a piano performance, and sat in the front seat part of a shopping cart for the first time (I was a little upset by that because I don't think she's ready for it, but when my mom told me she had her hands on her the entire time, I felt better).

I do know more about child develop.ment than my father, and it does drive me crazy that he keeps stating things as "fact" when they're really just his opinions. Things like, he's absolutely certain that Jordyn will soon be reaching out to be picked up, because she currently reaches out to touch his face, because it's a "logical next step". Umm, no. I feel comfortable stating that I know more about child develop.ment than he does, because it's what I do, and it's what I studied and was trained in. He wasn't. I've passed a certification exam that's largely based on child develop.ment. He hasn't. He was in business before he retired. Now, do I still have questions sometimes, and look things up? Of course! I don't claim to know it all. But I also don't make stuff up and state it as fact.

When my mom showered with Jordyn, yes I was upset that it was Jordyn's first shower, and yes I did (and still do) think it's slightly inappropriate that my mom showered with her, but first and foremost, I was concerned about the safety aspect. My mom has two bad knees and a bad back. She recently bought herself a weight belt (like the UP.S guys and movers wear), to help support her back when carrying Jordyn around the house. So it makes me nervous for her to hold Jordyn, a squirmy, slippery baby, in a shower with a tile floor. Hell, I'd be nervous if *I* were holding Jordyn in a shower with (or without!) a tile floor! It's one reason I haven't done it yet.

And as for my dad's way of making bottles... My dad has longstanding, weird issues with food. Issues I very much do NOT want Jordyn exposed to. Things like fasting all day but then pigging out at dinner, asking others if they're finished with something when they're still eating it because he thinks they should be finished (in a very obnoxious way, basically not allowing others to make their own decisions about what and how much to eat), making something inedible by pouring hot sauce or pepper or something on it, etc. I've been told by more than one person that they've seen my dad make Jordyn's bottles wrong. I'm honestly not even sure he's aware of what he's doing - his issues with food are just so embedded in his psyche at this point. My whole family is convinced he has an undiagnosed eating disorder (not a specific one, just general issues with food). He's made several comments regarding Jordyn and how much she eats, and how he thinks its too much, and how he thinks it's going to lead to food/weight problems later... So, yes, I'm worried about him not giving Jordyn the right amounts of formula and water. I've asked the pedia.trician twice about how bad it would be if her formula was watered down, and this very laid-back pedia.trician has twice answered that while a little bit won't hurt, it's really not good for her formula and water to not be in the right amounts. So, do I want my dad to actually measure out the water, and not just eyeball it? Yes, I do. I admit - and admitted to him - that it *is* easier to put the formula in first and then the water. All I want him to do is measure out the water and not just "fill up the bottle", because I want to make sure the concentration is right. Is that really so wrong??

The need for alternative child care isn't based just on my issues with my parents, there are other pieces to that puzzle. It's very, very difficult for me to have to keep going back and forth, sleeping at my parents' house three nights a week (since I work until midnight and Jordyn's long asleep by the time I get there). I have to keep packing and unpacking bags, keeping up with what clothes and things are at each house, etc. At almost 38-years-old, I don't want to live with my parents half of the time. And it's a little awkward the next morning if I'm not working that day - I usually don't really want to stay and hang out, I want to leave and do things on my own with Jordyn, like go to drop-in new mom groups, playdates, etc. I want to feel as though Jordyn and I are a family of our own - not *instead* of my immediate family with my parents and siblings, but in addition. It's hard to feel that way when so much of our time is spent with my parents out of necessity. As it stands now, I see my parents so much out of necessity, that I find myself not wanting to spend time with them just for fun, like for brunch, shopping with my mom, etc. And I really don't like feeling that way. I want to want to spend time with them! I think there's been an overcorrection. My parents used to live so far away that I saw them a handful of times a year. Now they're so close and I see them literally almost every day, and live with them almost half of the time. There needs to a be a middle ground.

Tonight I told my mom that I'm in the process of looking for a new childcare arrangement, probably for 2 of the 3 days a week that I work (my parents will still do 1 day/week). I explained my thoughts about it, and she wholeheartedly agreed. She completely understands my point of view, and said she thinks it will be better for all involved, and that she can still be a big part of Jordyn's life, just not as her childcare provider. She likes this plan because she feels like she'll get to spend more time with me, too, and not just Jordyn. Then she said I should tell my dad the same thing I just told her, because he was under the impression that they moved here to do my childcare. Which honestly isn't true - they moved here to be local, involved grandparents, and to do SOME of my childcare. It was NEVER stated that the plan was for them to do ALL of my childcare until the middle of my maternity leave when they said they'd try to do all of it for a while while she's still so young and small, and then we'd reevaluate from there. Well, I've reevaluated, and I truly do think it'll be so much better with a different arrangement than there is now. So, I spoke to my dad, explained the same thing to him. He didn't say he agreed, exactly, he basically just said "ok". But he sounded fine, so unless he's just hiding it well, he seems to be ok with it.

And I'm going to really try to relax on the "control freak" issue. It's weird - it's like I know I'm overreacting to some things, but I can't seem to control it. It makes me wonder if this is how kids with opposi.tional def.iance dis.order feel. Do they *want* to be able to react differently to things, but just somehow *can't*? Because that's how I feel, in a way. I'm in the process of making an appointment with my therapist (who I've seen a whole one time since Jordyn was born), and I'm most definitely planning to bring this up. I know I need to be able to take a step back and not freak out about everything - regardless of who's taking care of Jordyn. I'm just so worried about something going wrong - some accident happening, some diagnosis, some problem of some kind - and I think it's manifesting in this "control freak" business. I know it's not good. I do still think my parents need to respect me as Jordyn's mother, and try to do things as I'd like them to be done, but I recognize that I need to make some changes, too.

So, thank you, dear followers, for helping me to see that. Even though I think you all think I'm a crazy control freak bitch, and I admit I felt slightly judged by some of the comments on my last post, it was helpful, in a way. I'll keep you updated. And please also keep in mind that I was venting in my last post - and I'm sure we all know that sometimes when we vent, we can go a little overboard...  :)