I'm Not a Good Mom Today (AKA: Another Sleep Update)

I'm not a good mom today, because I'm too sleep-deprived to function and to have any patience at all.

I went to sleep too late last night, after 11, maybe 11:30, but I needed and wanted to get a couple of things done before I went up to bed.

Jordyn woke up around 12:15, crying. OMG. I thought I'd get more than 45 minutes of sleep before she woke up! But no, it was not to be. I decided I wasn't going to bring her in my bed, and tried for a while to get her back to sleep in her crib. To no avail. She just screamed, and screamed. I eventually brought her into my bed. Or no, wait. Sleep deprivation is taking it's toll... I think maybe I brought her into my bed for a while first, and after 45 or so minutes of her kicking and hitting me and moving around non-stop (I'm not sure if either of us slept at all during that time, or not), I got really frustrated, and decided that she *WAS* going to sleep in her crib! I scooped her up, carried her down the hall while telling her she needed to have a big sleep in her crib with Minnie Mouse and that I'd see her in the morning, gave her a kiss, put her in her crib, and walked out of the room.

Screaming ensued, of course. I started to do a modified, spur-of-the moment version of Ferber - I checked in every so often and provided reassurance, but she screamed and cried for quite some time. And I bawled, flat-out bawled with shaking sobs, for quite some time. Unlike when her sleep was bad over the summer when she'd just cry and scream, this time, she still cries and screams, but when I hold her, I can feel her whole body shaking, and she kicks her legs, not trying to kick me, but just in a kicking motion, over and over again. It's weird, and I don't like it. It sickens my heart every time she's doing that, and I put her down in her crib and walk away. Even when she's standing in the crib and I'm trying to hug her but not pick her up, I can feel her body shaking, and she's just so worked up. I just keep thinking, how is she possibly going to go from being this worked up to sleep?? This is crazy! And sometimes I end up picking her up. Sometimes she's still cry for a minute or two, but then puts her head on my shoulder and completely calms down. It's like she really just wants (needs??) to be with me.

Or, is it that she just doesn't want to be in her crib?? Because last night, after an hour or two of this Ferber-ish thing, I couldn't take it anymore. I NEEDED SLEEP. I finally tried making a nest on the floor of her room again, thinking if she'd at least sleep on the floor, then I could sleep alone in my bed. And actually sleep. So I lay her down on the floor and walked out to close the gate at the top of the stairs. I didn't want to forget to do it, so I did it as soon as I thought of it, since I was exhausted and figured I might forget if I waited until she was asleep. I don't usually close it at night, because she's usually in her crib and therefore safe, and just in case of an emergency, I don't want to worry about having to get the gate open as I'm rushing out of a burning building or something. I just close it every morning once she's out of her crib and walking around while I'm brushing my teeth and getting dressed.

I expected her to start crying as I left the room, and to get up and come after me. Because my theory was still that she wanted to be with me. But she didn't. She didn't move, and she didn't cry. She either was already asleep (although I walked out of the room immediately after laying her down), or the issue wasn't me, it was that she didn't want to be in her crib. Hmmmm. I'd planned to go back in after closing the gate, but since she was quiet, I didn't dare. I just went into my room and checked her on the monitor, and then went to sleep. It was 3:30.

I woke up at 7:30 and checked the monitor. There she was, sound asleep, head at the base of her diaper genie (yuck - I'll have to move that if we continue this nest-on-the-floor scenario). I tried to fall back to sleep, and maybe I did for a few minutes. The next thing I knew, I heard a movement, and checked the monitor. I didn't see her, and then she walked into my room holding her Minnie Mouse, totally calm, at 7:55. I guess she likes sleeping on the floor?? Could she really have decided, since napping on the floor at daycare, that the floor is really the place to sleep all the time?!? I mean, if so, then by all means, the floor it is!!!

Could she be telling me she's ready for a toddler bed? At 15.5 months? That seems really early. I'm honestly not sure at what age most kids transition to a bed, but I don't think it's as early as 15.5 months. Right? Or maybe this will be short-lived, and she'll soon be back to sleeping just fine in her crib. Which would be great, but I'm still not sure what to do in the meantime (put her mattress on the floor??). Thank you, btw, Abby, for your suggestions on my last post. I'm trying to be consistent, but it's just not always possible, and we're supposed to be going up to my aunt's house in Vermont from Wednesday to Sunday for Thanksgiving (or Thanksgivukkah, really), which will just throw everything off even more, probably. We'll be sharing a room, she'll be sleeping in a pack and play - supposedly, and I don't especially want her sleeping on the floor because I'm not totally convinced there aren't mice in my aunt's house.

So, yeah, anyway, I guess I got a grand total of maybe 4.5-5 hours of sleep last night, broken up with a whole lot of frustration and listening to my child scream. Fun. So yeah, today I'm not a good mom. I have absolutely NO patience. I've already broken down and sobbed once, and it's not even noon. I don't really want to play with Jordyn; I just want her to leave me alone. And I hate - absolutely hate - that I feel that way. But I do.

Parenthood would be SO much easier without this ridiculous element of sleep. I mean, why the fuck can't babies and toddlers just GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP when they're tired??? Why does it have to be so fucking complicated, with sleeping in the crib, sleeping on the floor, sleeping in mom's bed, or, really, just not sleeping at all?!

I have way too much going on right now. I have to function at work. I just started a new position - I can't really just coast through the days right now until Jordyn's sleep - and therefore my sleep - is back on track. I have to be able to focus, to think, to do things right, and do things well. And this weekend, I need to be doing laundry, and packing, and making sure I have everything we need for our trip to Vermont. And all I can do is sit here waiting for nap time, so I can try to catch up on a little sleep, that is, after I manage to somehow get Jordyn to sleep. And her nap time is usually when I can get things accomplished around here! So yeah, more stress. And no sleep.

Oh please, Jordyn, move quickly through this phase, this touchpoint, this adjustment period, whatever the fuck it is, and go back to being the amazing little sleeper you had been for the past few months!!!