Sharing the News

Wow, what a day!!

It was a really nice day, filled with family, friends (who are basically family - we consider them family, and they consider themselves family), good food, fun, laughter... and news-sharing. :)

Getting that BFP was very, very, very surreal. Still is. Yes, even thought I "knew" and was pretty much expecting it. I'm pretty sure I'm in major denial, as I can't honestly say I'm excited. I'm not NOT excited, I just think it hasn't hit me yet. And just as I told myself that this first IUI was "just a dress rehearsal" to protect myself from a big emotional letdown if it led to a BFN (which I was fully expecting until the past few days), I'm now finding myself saying I have to wait until 12-15 weeks and after testing (amnio??) to be really excited and know this is for real.

So, today, I was in a small-ish house with about 12 other people who were in various stages of knowing things (nothing, that I've decided to become an SMC, that I was potentially going to find out results today). I wanted everyone to know, but I didn't want to make a big announcement. So, I had to find opportunities to tell each person privately (or at least more-or-less). It was a little stressful for a while, but I felt much better once it was out. I know it's WAY early to be telling people, but this was family. And they're all aware how early it is. And I couldn't exactly have some people know without the others finding out, hearing comments being said, etc. Now THAT would have had me stressed out all day, trying to make sure the people who knew didn't let on to those who didn't...

Wait, let me back up. I had this weird thought when I was leaving the B&B this morning, that I was actually kind of dreading (maybe too strong a word, but at least not looking forward to) telling my parents. Especially my mom. I think it was because I actually really don't like being the center of attention, being made a big deal of, etc. And I knew my mom would probably do that. And with so many other people around, I just didn't want the whole day to turn into everyone talking about me, my pregnancy, my SMC status, etc., and not just be a day of family togetherness without everything centering on me. And although I couldn't decide exactly how to tell my mother, and it was harder than I thought it would be with so many people around, all turned out well in the end.

I wanted to tell my mom first. I had planned to call her into a bedroom away from everyone else, and then pull out my Clearblue test (in a plastic baggie) with "pregnant" still showing on it, and just show it to her without saying anything. But then I realized that she likely wouldn't have her reading glasses on or with her, and she'd end up asking me what it was and what it said, anyway. So then I thought of pulling her aside and just telling her... lots of random little plans came into and went out of my head. In the end, I sort of followed her into the bathroom when she went in to wash her hands after finishing with the turkey, and said, "The test was positive". She was sort of surprised - I'm not sure she realized or remembered that I could test today - but then said she thought I was, because of how tired I've been. She said, "Do you not think I can tell, after having three kids?!", then gave me a big hug, and said "I hope you have a girl". Which I already knew was her wish for me.

When I told my dad, he said, "Already?". Not in a bad way, he was just surprised. My sister stared at me, seemingly uncomprehendingly, just processing what I'd said. She was surprised it worked on the first try, too. My pseudo-cousin (aunt?) who took 5 years to get pregnant starting at 38, and ended up using DE/DS (she's a lesbian, so the DS was going to happen either way), was also pretty surprised. She'd warned me about the emotional roller-coaster I was about to embark on when I called her to network about a month or so ago. My brother simply said, "congratulations", and that was that. He's having some marital problems, and his wife ended up not coming to Vermont for Thanksgiving at the last minute. He's also the only one who said, "Why don't you just adopt?" when I first told him my SMC plans a while ago.

But the best news, is that the two people I was most worried about were probably the two who were the most excited and happy for me! I was most worried about my aunt F, who tried to become an SMC years ago both through ttc and adoption, and it never worked for her. She's still single and childless, at almost 59. I wasn't sure if she'd be jealous, or upset at all, or if it would bring up painful memories for her. But she was thrilled, very supportive, and had all kinds of questions for me (about the method I used, the donor, whether I've gotten connected to any other SMCs, etc). And my uncle D, who is single, gay, and childless, and who can be a complete ass, very obnoxious, and tells you like it is whether it's good or bad, was also completely thrilled, supportive, and thinks it's "absolutely wonderful" that I'm doing this. He tends to make jokes out of everything (coping technique, likely) and loves to make people laugh (sometimes at the expense of others), and he was totally serious when we had our little conversation. Turns out, he also wants to have a child (!!!), which is a scary thought, and unlikely to happen, as he's gay, in his mid-late 50s, and doesn't want to change diapers. He did make a comment when talking about his own wishes, that he wants to be involved to a point, and take his son to ballet lessons. haha! I briefly suggested he could try to be a known donor, with minor involvement in the child's life. :)

I did text briefly with a few friends today. S, first thing this morning, who used to be single with me, and then got married and now has a 13-month-old. She was the first to know. And then P, my SMC-to-be friend, who will be having her first IUI in about a week or so. And then tonight, very briefly, my good friend C from Cincinnati. With all three, I simply texted them a picture I took of the two tests showing the BFP side by side, and then waited for their reactions. :) My friend N also texted me wanting to know (sorry for not letting you know sooner, N!!), but read my blog before I saw it, and then texted again to say she'd read the blog.

So, pretty much everyone knows (except a few friends I'll hold off on as long as I can, until they remember to ask). And it feels ok, good even. I know it's SO early, but I'm a "teller", not a "hider" of information. For the most part, anyway. And since everyone is so supportive, if by chance things go bad, they'll just be there to support me through it and get me back on track. This I know.

And so today I'm thankful for the BFP, and very supportive friends and family, among many other things!