Thinker/Planner ---> Tryer!!!

Wow. Very weird.

That pretty much sums it up.

What a completely surreal experience.

I could be pregnant right now. Or on my way. There are little spermies swimming around inside me right now, as I sit here typing this.

WHAT?!?

So weird. The whole experience was/is just so WEIRD. Not bad weird... just weird.

I woke up to my alarm this morning at 8:15, to be ready to call the clinic right at 8:30 when they open. I jumped the gun and called at 8:25, and got voicemail. Called back right at 8:30, still got voicemail. Made myself calm down and wait til 8:40, and someone answered. I said I needed to come in for an IUI today, and the receptionist asked if my kit "turned" yesterday or today. I told her yesterday (Sunday), and that I wanted to come in as early as possible. Which turned out to be an 11:30 appointment.

Ok. It's 8:45. I can go back to bed for an hour and 15 minutes, since I didn't get much sleep last night.

Yeah right. Like I was gonna be able to fall back to sleep, regardless of how tired I was! I lay in bed with my eyes closed and tried to sleep until about 9:50, then gave up, got up, and showered.

Almost forgot to call into work to tell them I'd be late. But didn't.

Got to the clinic, and the receptionist knew who I was without me telling her my name. Weird, although this is my third time there in the past month. Had me sign a piece of paper stating that I would be willing to pay out of pocket for any procedures not covered by insurance. No problem. Paid $190 for the IUI. Got called back pretty quickly, the RN took my blood pressure, and she joked that it would probably be high (she knew this was my first IUI). It wasn't, it was 110/78, I think.

Had me go to the bathroom, and then put me in a room, told me to undress from the waist down, cover my legs with a sheet, and that the midwife would be right in after she finished up with another patient. Ok, did that. But now I'm starting to get nervous. Well, ok, I was a little nervous before, but now I'm REALLY nervous. It wasn't the procedure I was nervous about, it was what could be the RESULT of the procedure. That I was, for the first time in my life, actually TRYING to get PREGNANT. I couldn't just sit there doing nothing, because, I don't know, I just couldn't. It made me too nervous, and I needed to do something. So I got caught up on my Words with Friends games, and then texted P, my SMC-to-be friend, who will hopefully be having her first IUI in 2-3 weeks. It was good to just be connecting with someone, and DOING something while I waited.

My mom called while I was texting with P. I answered, but told her I was waiting for the midwife and would call her back on my way to work when I was finished at the clinic. I also texted briefly with my good friend S, who's married, has a 13-month-old, and had so much trouble getting pregnant with him that she had an appointment to discuss IVF, but then got pregnant in the meantime and cancelled it.

It felt like the it was taking the midwife FOREVER to come in, but I don't think it was actually that long, maybe 15 minutes? I was just nervous, I think.

Finally she came in, introduced herself (Margi), and the first thing she did was show me the donor's number on the vial and asked me if that was my "guy". I confirmed that it was, asked if I could keep the vial, and she said no problem, that it's a "baby book memento" or something like that. So I had the vial in my hand the whole time. Next, she held out the syringe with the sperm in it, with the catheter attached, with the whole thing stuck back in the sterile packaging, and said she wanted to keep it against my stomach to keep it warm (Weird, because wasn't it just defrosted, thawed, whatever? Now it has to be warm? Interesting. I didn't know about that part). So she tucked it under my shirt against my stomach. Weird.

She had me scoot down to the edge of the table and put my feet in the stirrups. She explained that she was going to do a pelvic first (two fingers) with "sperm friendly lubricant" so she could feel my anatomy and figure out where she was "aiming" (I think she meant like how high up my cervix was, whether or not it was tilted, etc.). Fun.

Then came the cold, metal speculum. I told her my theory that someone should really invent a speculum warmer, and she said something about that there is one, the bed I was on has one (??) but they don't use it because of something... I don't know, I was too busy noticing how cold the damn speculum was to pay attention to what she was saying. She had to take it out and put it in once or twice trying to get it in the right position, lining up right with my cervix. Or something.

As an aside, I decided today that you know you're an SMC when your vagina has seen more speculums than it has penises. I'm not completely sure that's the case for me, but it's gotta be close! (And this was only IUI number one, OY!)

Then she reached up for the syringe/catheter/swimmer contraption, which I'd completely forgotten was under my shirt. She mentioned that my cervix wasn't really open, so it was slightly difficulty for her to get the catheter through, but I don't really think I even felt anything as it maybe took her two tries or something to get it through. Maybe a teeny tiny bit of cramping, but hardly even noticeable at all. And it didn't last long.

And then all of a sudden she said it had worked, that she loved these catheters because they're good at getting through the cervix even when it wasn't open too much, and then leaned over to put the syringe/catheter in the garbage can. And then took the speculum out.

And so it was done.

Margi asked me if I wanted to lie on my back with a pillow under my hips, or flip over and lie on my stomach somehow. I didn't really understand the stomach option, and I was already on my back, so I chose that one. She placed the pillow, asked if I wanted the lights on or off (off), and explained that in 20 minutes, I could get dressed and leave.

Wow, wham, bam, thank you ma'am...er... midwife!

I don't mean that to sound like she wasn't nice, or friendly, or anything. She was. It was just so... clinical?... No, not really. I mean, it was, but that wasn't what I was thinking. Just weird. Very weird.

I asked her a couple of questions, like, uh, what do I do next? If I get a positive HPT, do I come in for a blood test to confirm? She said some people do, some don't, they just go with that they're pregnant from the HPT only. She said if I have any bleeding that's not just my usual period, or I'm not sure, etc. to come in for the blood test. And that when people do the blood test, they come in once and then again two days later to see if the number is going up like it should. She also said I should call to let them know either way, whether it worked or not. Ok.

I also asked about toxoplasmosis. I have a cat, and I've heard that I'm not supposed to scoop the litter box while I'm pregnant for fear of this disease which can harm the fetus. Well, there's really no one else to scoop the poop, so I kinda have to. I already stole... er, borrowed... a box of gloves from the hospital where I work, so I can wear those while scooping and then wash my hands. Anyway, the midwife said it's really over-hyped, and not really a big deal at all. She said most people who get it are from (in?) France, and it's more likely to be transmitted through raw meat than through cat litter. And that most cats who get it are outside cats and get it from digging in the dirt. No problem, I'm a vegetarian and I have an indoors-only cat. But she did say wearing the gloves wouldn't hurt if I wanted to take precautions anyway.

As she was about to leave the room, she wished me luck and said while the chances weren't so good (for the first IUI to work, I think), it's been known to happen. I said, "Yep, it worked for R!", who's another member of the local SMC chapter. She's a patient at the same place, and got pregnant with her first IUI. She IS only 29, though! She did kind of nod and confirm that yes, it had indeed worked for R on her first try. I told Margi that I'm trying to tell myself that this first try is just a "dress rehearsal" so I don't get my hopes up that it'll actually work. (Not sure what I'll tell myself the next time, or the time after that, etc., if necessary, but this is my story for this attempt).

Then she said, "They were swimming around pretty good" or something like that. I questioned how she knew, and she said she'd looked at a drop under a microscope. I asked if she had specific numbers, which she didn't, but she said it wasn't the most dense sample she's seen, but not the most scant, either, and said she'd guess between 10-20 million.

I think, on that note, she left. And I was alone with my phone, my empty vial, and my thoughts. I didn't really feel lonely, as I've heard others say. I think because I've gotten so used to doing things on my own, so independent, that it just didn't even phase me.

I think I did a little more texting, checked my email, and maybe read some facebook posts. At some point, I noticed the date on the vial was November 17, 2010, so the donation was made almost a year ago to the day. Weird. Very random.

And then, 20 minutes later, I got up, got dressed, and left.

And I couldn't wipe the smile off my face all the way out to the car. You would've thought I'd actually just gotten laid.

I called my mom back on the way to work, but we didn't talk long because she was out to lunch with friends. I got to work, after sitting in some traffic, and the day went on.

But every time I thought about it, I just kept smiling. And I couldn't stop. And so I walked around like a goober, with this big goofy grin for no good reason (that anyone actually knew about).

And I just felt weird. Not in a bad way, but just weird. And surreal. SO surreal. Like, wait, I did WHAT? I could be WHAT? And here are all these people around me, and they have NO IDEA what I did this morning. And it was such a HUGE thing that I did! Almost felt like when you lose your virginity, it was this HUGE, MOMENTOUS thing, and no one knew, and you felt that weird surreal feeling all day, because you'd finally done it.

So weird.

But one thing that I never once thought today, at any point, was anything even close to regret. And so now, more than ever, I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing.